Post FIN-Fic
Post FINale FIC; being stories either written after and/or set after FIN
LAYING THE GHOST
"Psst. Hey, wake up."
The dark haired beauty tossed and turned fitfully.
"Hey, Lucy, wakies." The whispering became more urgent.
"Lawless! On set!"
Sapphire blue eyes flickered, opened and stared wide-eyed without
focusing. "Wha--?"
"Hi, remember me?" Long, tapering fingers were waved and waggled in
her face, attached to a hand whose wrist was adorned by a dark
leather band.
Full moonlight spilled through the window as Lucy began to
disbelievingly make out the figure standing in her bedroom.
"Oh, no.
What are you doing here?! I thought we--"
"This the
scene of the crime? That's just my problem, honey. How
could you let him do this to me--to us?" The imposing dark
leather-clad individual gestured to the other occupant of the large
bed who slept soundly dreaming the dream of the terminally
unaffected. "You can't leave me like this. Disembodied. Flitting
around like the ghost of X-mas past."
"Why don't you go haunt Ren? No, I take that back, she has enough to
deal with right now."
"Aw,
that's so cute. The protective thing really does kick over into
real life. Ah, the ghost and Mrs. Muir... Sorry, couldn't resist."
The tall warrior in her bedroom gave a megawatt smile that seemed to
light up the darkness with teeth as feral white as the moon. "And,
besides, you can't blame this one on Gabrielle. Not after she
destroyed a whole universe for me."
"I see we're at the top of our own list, aren't we?"
"Well,
someone has to be concerned with my bodily integrity. Since
you and the hubby there gave up the ghost."
Lucy watched her counterpart and alter ego bend at the waist and
catch her own head in her hands as it toppled from her shoulders.
"Neat party trick, huh?" The head asked as she tucked it under her
arm.
"Eww. Cut that out. Are you trying to give me nightmares? That's
just gross."
"Heh. Now
you know how the fans felt."
"I'm never
gonna hear the end of it, am I?" the actress groaned and
dropped her own head back on the pillow.
"'Fraid not." The warrior said as she resettled Xena's detached
pate. "I won't let you go till you do right by me--and neither will
they." She did her best Marilyn Monroe sexy sotto voce. "Those
lovely people out there in the dark. You thought The Haunting of
Amphipolis was bad, you ain't seen nuthin' yet, baby."
"It wasn't
my idea," Lucy whined.
"It was
ugly, cold and sick. What's up with this guy anyway?" The
warrior gestured to the snoring lump.Lucy shrugged noncommitally.
"I'd call him your better half...but that's clearly my job description."
The actress rose from the bed. "Think I need a drink. How about
you?"
Xena followed her into an adjoining room. "You're probably expecting
a quip about spirits, but I'm still a bit touchy on the subject. The
problem, my dear Lucy, is when you create characters this strong,
they never die. And you'll just have to live with it--with me."
The actress busied herself mixing a stiff drink. "Sure you won't
join me?" she asked.
Xena
smirked. "I'll derive some small benefit. We are...connected,
you know. It'll be a vicarious thrill," she grinned, lighting up the
room again. "Yeah, that works both ways," she intimated as the
actress appraised her, brows raised. "So, what are we going to do,
Mrs. T? We can't leave poor little Gabby all alone holding the urn.
Are we supposed to let the bad blood build until it bursts a vessel
and hemorrhages into a flood that will just as likely engulf and
destroy the various fan factions as it will piss them off to the
point where they'll expend their own precious time and energy to
bring me back? Or is that the plan? Unmake your bed, lie about it."
Lucy scowled, arms crossed, giving no ground.
"Don't try
to intimidate me. I am the Queen of Intimidation. You
made me that way. Cat got your tongue? You need someone to write all
your lines? Does Svengali in there pull all the strings? You're an
intelligent, strong woman, don't you have anything to say about it?"
Xena was
close now, had dropped her voice into its sexiest, rolling
thunder register as she stood eye to eye with her enactor.
"Are you
trying to seduce me, Warrior Princess?"
"Is it working?"
Lucy swallowed hard and stared into Aegean depths every bit as
dangerously beguiling as her own. She had to physically tear herself
away from the adamantine pull of the tide before it became
completely irrisistible. Sighing heavily, she sat on the couch and
pulled her legs up, wrapping her arms around them. "You look awfully
pleased with yourself" she told the still smugly smirking warrior.
"Just proving the theory I've always held about Thespians and
Narcissus. Yes, I said THESpian. Don't get bent out of shape. Heh."
"Look," Lucy rose and stretched, "I'm going back to bed and sleep
you off, mate. This whole bloody business has gone too far."
"Agreed.
It has, indeed. Sleep on it."
"And I
don't need you invading my dreams."
"Can't much help that, darlin'--we are inextricably entwined...just
like Xena and Gabrielle. It'll take more than his over-produced,
half-baked, spiritually bankrupt hack work rip-off of obscure films
he hopes no one else saw of a finale to kill that."
Lucy looked sad and rather pouty now and Xena padded after her back
into the bedroom. The Kiwi sat gingerly on the bed, and then slowly
reclined, but the warrior bounded in between the couple and showed
no signs of being willingly dislodged. She leaned on an elbow and
looked, dispassionately, at the red-haired bloke. "Can I give him
the pinch?"
"No!" Lucy
grabbed her hand before it could strike.
"Aw, c'mon. He won't feel a thing. Just like poor, dead, headless
moi. I'll take it right off, I promise. The Pinch, that is. It's
only his head I'm talking about. Not even his favorite one, is it?
Afterall, he treated yours, uh, mine cavalierly enough, didn't he?
Tell me you've never secretly wished you could stop the flow of
blood to his brain...or other--" The actress clapped a hand over her
mouth.
"What am I
gonna do with you?" she wailed plaintively.
"There's
more than one way to lay a ghost, y'know."
"Very funny."
Xena nodded her head towards the dead-to-the-world ex. producer. "I
don't know, Lulu, but I've always thought he'd fancy a bit of the
ol' menage... I mean, it's almost part of the job description for
Hollywood types. Hey, why don't we all hop into the hot tub and have
this out once and for all!? Why, Ms. Lawless, I do believe you're
blushing. Not eponymous at all, afterall, are ya? I get all the ten
dinar words from my bard. She taught me a lot when you come right
down to it. Not the least of which is never ever give up. There is
no such thing as a lost cause. And she has just as many
hero-worshipping followers as I do. Sleep on that. Aw, come here."
Xena enveloped her in a warm embrace. "Gab seems to think I make a
pretty fair pillow. Lay your head on my shoulder. Relax. Bide your
time. And when you find you need me again--I'm here."
FIN
========================================================================
"You Can't Judge a Bard by the Sais of her Quill" by E.J. Rain
Author's Note: This little oddity of a playlet was written for a contest
requested by the actress who plays Gab in the Chicago production of "Xena Live!" It won. And she and the actress who plays
Xena were going to perform it at Xena Nite at a popular club, but never got around to it as far as I know...sigh...they had more important things to do...like installments
2 and 3 of their wildly successful pro live Xena show!
(Gabby is pacing, scroll in hand, composing a letter. Music: up
softly, Melissa's "I'm the Only One"..."Please baby can't you
see..." stops after the refrain...)
G: Dear Xena. (she sighs audibly) Dear W.P. Nah. Friend... Dearest
friend...it has come to my attention...no, no, no. (She flings her
quill to the ground.)
(Xena has entered and is hiding behind a tree watching Gab who is in
apparent distress though Xena seems amused by it. Gab rolls the
scroll and beats it against the palm of her hand.)
G: Listen, Xena, we haven't...we're not...I'm--
X: You're what, Gabrielle? (Xena steps into her path from behind the
tree.)
G: (blurts it out) I'm leaving you, Xena!
X: (one raised eyebrow, with supreme self-confidence and an obtuse
air bordering on smugness) What's for dinner? I'm starved. Killing
the gods gives me an appetite.
G: Did you hear me? I said I'm leaving.
X: Yeah. Been there, done that. Is this like the time you skipped
off to the Academy in Athens to hone your skills as a bard, or more
like the time you went running home to Potadeia because you thought
you might be a liability to me and unable to negotiate the finer
points of hand to hand combat, to watch my back? All water...or
blood under the bridge. You're the best bard in Greece and you know
how to handle yourself--almost as well as me.
G: Well...thank you, Xena. That's very...'nice' of you. I know you
don't give compliments readily...or at all! But that's not it.
X: (frowns) What then?
G: It's, uh, more like the time I...uh...left to marry Perdicus.
(That sets the W.P. back on her leather booted heels.)
X: Oh?
G: You've been...a little pre-occupied lately...you know, pregnancy,
Eve, Ares...and other bad boy toys, this twilight of the gods
business...
X: OK, I admit I haven't been as attentive to your needs, I suppose,
but you're a big girl now, you don't need me to look out for
you...all the time...anymore. I mean, you told me that's what you
wanted, isn't it? I've had a lot on my plate. Speaking of which,
could we, uh, possibly discuss this over dinner?
G: Did you catch anything?
X: (looks around at her person and the ground) Uh, guess not. What
are you in the mood for? (Xena tries a forward pass. Gab backs off.)
Who?
G: Huh?
X: Who is it? Virgil?
G: You are so predictable.
X: Well?
G: I thought I'd go and visit Thalassa for awhile.
X: You want to go back to Shark Island?! She almost hanged you.
G: True. But she didn't crack my head open like a boiled egg.
X: This...(she flourishes her chakram)... well, the older model,
saved your life at the time as I remember it--and mine.
G: Well, then you should just get a better grip on it, shouldn't
you?
X: That's what this is about. You're still mad at me for that.
G: Don't I have a right to be?! You almost killed me.
X: But I didn't. I...pulled my toss.
G: Sure felt like a serious fling to me. (feels her head) Ouch.
X: Serious fling, huh?
G: No, I didn't sleep with her, but she was certainly interested and
we had a nice rapport going. Same thing I used to have with you. It
was second nature. Like breathing. Where did it go?
X: Gabrielle, people change, go through phases, you, of all people,
know that.
G: 'Dite still likes me just the way I am.
X: A goddess too?
G: I could do a lot worse.
X: In fact...you have. Is that what you're thinking now, regretting
the whole sidekick thing, huh?
G: That's another thing--I thought we were more like equals now.
You've co-opted my whole Eli 'thing'. Since when did you give a good
gods damn about religion?
X: I was following your lead, baby, you led the way.
(The friends face-off, unyielding. Music: Tracy Chapman's "Give me
one reason to stay here and I'll turn right back around...")
X: I would say, We Can Work it Out, but (shrugs) didn't make the
final cut.
G: "The unkindest cut of all."
X: Hey, don't go Brutus on me.
G: If Thalassa or Aphrodite wouldn't cherish me the way you used
to--I know who would...
X: Don't you dare even say her name. Don't even think it. (Xena
bristles at the idea.) Don't you say the N word. Over my dead body.
G: She came closer than most to achieving that end.
X: You were turned on by us fighting over you, admit it. She's a
crazy crusader who'll stop at nothing to push her own twisted and
limited view of morality and dogma on the world.
G: Look who's talking. The W.P. calling
the...crusader...a...a...black...kettle...ur... knight...you know
what I mean. Xena, catch a clue, give me some consistency, at least.
Geez.
(She grits her teeth and stomps around a bit, exasperated.)
Big Dumb Warrior.
X: I do need you.
G: Why? To stroke your...ego? To preen your feathered vanity? Polish
your leathers...cook your meals...feed your hungers...you've become
accustomed to having me around, I look good on you, another
adornment. Well, I don't want to just be someone you've gotten used
to.
X: I know that.
G: In your mind, maybe, but in your heart--I'm not so sure anymore.
Where's the power, the passion? (Insert Xena theme here; a brief
flourish.) Where's the fire?
X: I can't just turn it on and off.
G: Oh, can't you? The switch seems to work pretty well when you have
a seduction scene to perform.
X: Do you know how many people have ever rejected me...and that's
including all possible combinations, denominations, and
persuasions...? (She makes a zero with her index finger and thumb
and then flourishes The Big O of her Chakram for extra emphasis.)
Maybe if you were a little more forthcoming these days yourself...
G: Why should I want to make love with someone who's just going
through the motions to gratify a purely physical need?
X: You know I love you.
G: Words.
X: So you would deny me actions and words. What's left?
G: Denial, as you know so well, is a river in Egypt, O, Queen of it.
As long as I don't crimp your...style, you'll continue to tolerate
me. It's like we're back to square one.
X: Angel, it took you a long time--oh, it was excruciating--before
you finally came round to me, and when you had your little epiphany
and the light went on I was right there ready and waiting for you,
wasn't I? But I knew...that first day...that first moment.
G: What's all that now but nostalgia? Yeah, you were my teacher...in
many ways...
X: Mmm. Tell me which one you like best.
G: You always try to get around me that way.
X: Always works. Ain't broke, don't fix.
G: Not this time. I mean it. I'm not going on like this. You can
tear up my contract.
X: That contract is written in our blood and binding after death
till the end of time. It's non-negotiable. Gabby, Gab, Gabrielle,
I'm sorry. From the stygian depths of my heart. Forgive me. I'll try
to do better. But I need some help. Don't turn away now.
G: It may be too late. Folks are fickle. Fashions change.
X: People too.
G: People do.
X: Don't go.
G: Why should I stay?
X: Remember when I held your life in my hands at the end of our
first year together--I begged you not to leave me then.
G: And I came back to you.
X: From the other side.
G: Just like you came back to me.
X: Yes. We belong together. It's the whole soulmates...deal. You
know that. You can't fight it.
G: Honey, people change. As you keep reminding me. And I don't think
you love me anymore.
X: You're part of me.
G: The part you don't love. Your dark heart. I'm not the
blood-innocent little girl any longer. I'm more like you now and you
don't like what you see. I'm sorry. I can't help that. It's who I am
now. Apparently. Did you get the memo on that?
X: And you blame me for that. You think I made you that way. Blame
it on the powers that be, but don't you dare blame me.
G: Whatever.
X: I didn't put a staff or any other weapon in your hand. What the
hell do you call those things? (refers to Gab's sais)
G: (sighs) It's a defensive weapon.
X: Not the way you've been using it.
G: Well, at least I haven't thrown it at the head of someone I claim
to love.
X: You stabbed my--our daughter with it.
G: I wasn't myself!
X: And I was?
G: Yeah...you were.
X: What do you want me to do?! I've been through Tartarus and Hell
for you.
G: World's smallest lute. What have you done for me lately?
(The W.P. tries to think of something. In vain. Music: Stevie Nicks
and Tom Petty; "Stop Draggin' my Heart Around")
G: I won't be dragged around Mt. Olympus like a common sack of
turnips or a rag doll. When I think of how I took you up that other
mountain on a nice comfortable litter and me with a wounded leg. And
then you had the nerve to go and die on me! (It's too much for her,
Gab breaks down and cries.)
X: Ooh, no fair. Sweetheart, please. (It's no use, she's
inconsolable. Xena, distressed, tries another tack.) So...did you
and 'Dite do it?
G: (stiffens and retracts herself from Xena's embrace.) What?
X: Didja diddle 'Dite? A little 'Dite do ya? You know...did you'n
'Dite do the deed--
G: I know what you mean! And no, we're...just good friends. Despite
any 'buzz' you may've heard--or seen written on The Tavern Wall.
X: She is the goddess of love.
G: That word hasn't been in your vocabulary lately.
X: I'm just a big insensitive warrior, I know.
G: Grade Alpha.
X: Stopped your crying though.
G: By pissing me off? Good tactic, Xena. Love and war. Two sides of
the same game for you.
X: (grins, then sobers) You were spending an awful lot of time with
her recently.
G: I think she was kinda lonely. Goddess of love is not an easy gig.
X: Yeah, must be kinda tough hearing all those pleas from the
lovelorn...and then watching the results.
G: And besides, you were busy sleeping--and gestating.
X: You still harbor a sneaking suspicion that I had Herc on the
side.
G: That was just the sympathy pain talking. Though if the 'father'
of our baby had to be another woman--any decently meaningful bard
would've made it fittingly mine as well. I know you didn't...with
Herc. I know you haven't with any man since I woke up and saw you
with Marcus on the other side of that fire, and he was a shade at
the time. I trust you. Wish you'd put the same faith in me.
X: You wouldn't really go back to...(whispers distastefully) Najara,
would you? You couldn't.
G: Well, you do both seem to be killing joyfully for the so-called
"god of love" these days. You racked up a pretty good carnage tally
with the old gods alone.
X: Darling, I'm more interested right now in the Bard of Love. (Xena
kneels and acquaints herself and her lips with Gab's abs.) "With my
body I thee worship."
G: This is not about sex, it's about love.
X: I embrace the Bard of Love wholeheartedly. Six of one, half dozen
of the other.
G: Many Skills?
X: You know it.
G: Still hungry?
X: I'm ravenous.
G: Lucky me. I must embrace my bardly duties, I suppose.
X: Your beauty duty?
G: Mmm. Bardly.
X: Bacchae? ( Gab giggles as Xena tickles her navel.) Batty? Badly?
G: Oh, yeah. Definitely.
X: Then that's the last word. All...she...wrote.
Blackout
Curtain
Finis
=================================================================================
BABY TALK
"You're being very
supportive."
Gabrielle smiled vaguely, nodded once and took her horse to the
stream as Xena unsaddled Argo.
"I...appreciate that," Xena said to her friend's back. The horses
were busily drinking, blonde and dark heads, bent together side by side.
Xena held out her hand and was rewarded when Gabrielle took it
and allowed herself to be drawn over into a little sheltered spot of
trees and boulders.
Xena kept hold of the smaller hand in her own. "Sorry to spring this
on you like that. I knew it would be a shock. To me too." Gabrielle
was still having difficulty meeting her eyes. "Any further
ideas...on how this might've happened?" Xena asked softly.
Gabrielle self-consciously withdrew her hand, folded into herself.
"I'm really sorry about what I said...about Herc. I know you
haven't..." the young woman trailed off sadly--reflecting on the
accusation she'd made earlier, on how it had made her feel, the
thought of Xena being... Gabrielle shook her head--"I'm no one to
talk, am I? Or to assign blame...to you. Whatever happened, I'm here
for you. Always. You know that."
"I know that."
"I haven't been...for awhile. It's not
you..."
"It's us." Xena turned sorrowing, regretful eyes upon her soulmate.
"I guess...you find out you're going to be together for
eternity--it's a bit overwhelming."
Gabrielle swallowed, nodding her head in agreement. Even after
they'd had that eternal flame dangled before them in India, it had
served more to distance them, ironically, than to bring them closer.
But how much closer could they be?
"Gabrielle, I'll never stop loving you," she said with sudden,
almost desperate need.
"I know that, Xena. I'll never stop believing in that." The younger
woman knelt and put her arms around her soulmate, pressing her cheek
against the slight swell of Xena's belly. The warrior stroked the
flaxen hair with such loving gentleness.
"You hear anything in
there?"
"Only that you're hungry." Gabrielle smiled. "What would you like
for dinner?"
"You don't have to wait on me just
bec--"
"I know I don't have to, I want to."
"In that case, I'll tell you exactly what I'd
like."
Gabrielle raised her head, met the striking blue she found
there.
"I'd like you to just keep on holding me--like this. That's what I
need--right now--more than anything."
A tear dropped from the clear emeralds of Gabrielle's eyes on to
Xena's hand pressed flat against the curve of her own
belly.
"I've been so afraid that all we've been through...has changed
us...so much...we don't..." Xena trailed off sorrowfully. "I've
missed this. Just holding you. Oh, Gabrielle." She never wanted to
force their intimacy on the young woman though there had been a time
when they couldn't get enough of each other. Xena was more aware
than most that passion fades inevitably.
Now the bard-turned-warrior was tugging her down on to their
sleeping furs. She kissed the dark haired woman softly, sweetly. "I
love you, Xena," she whispered, "I always have. From the first day.
From the first moment." Her breath was hot against Xena's ear. "If I
haven't been showing it...I guess maybe I feel... guilty...about a
lot of things---unworthy... I'm not that same little girl--"
"Shh," Xena hugged her fiercely. "I couldn't expect you to stay the
same. Not with what we've experienced together. Relationships
change, go through stages, it's the natural way of things."
"You saying you don't want me anymore?" Gabrielle asked
shakily.
"You know that's not
true."
"Do I?"
"We've become more like each other...more...evenly matched. Ares
showed us that when he let us share a single being."
"I could feel, for a moment, what it was like to be one with you
again. It was almost like..." Gabrielle's voice trailed off
shyly.
"An orgasm," Xena supplied for her.
The young woman nodded. "Yes." This line of thought made Xena draw a
sharp breath.
"What is it?" Gabrielle asked the woman still wrapped in her
arms.
"Gabrielle, I'm going to ask you something. You don't have to
answer. But I hope you will. You might want to slap my face. Maybe you
wanted to do that back there when I told you. Maybe that's why I
told you in a barnful of people. Sorry about that. And sorry about
this--"
Gabrielle took a deep breath and braced herself for whatever her
soulmate would ask if she was this ginger about doing it.
"Gabrielle, is it possible, when we transformed, from night to day,
into each other...that you...could've been the one...who was
carrying a child?"
Gabrielle released the breath in a
sigh.
"Oh, I know you've been wanting to ask me. And there it is. That was
a novel way to do it."
"I would never have asked--if I didn't need to
know."
"No, Xena, I swear to you, by our love, I swear there has been no
one else." Green eyes flashed emerald fire in the fading light of
the sunset. "I haven't been with anyone...since that afternoon
we--"
"The Menhdi."
"Yes," Gabrielle whispered, almost reverently, but she blushed at
the memory.
"We made love."
"You were so...open," the bard spoke slowly, dreamily,
remembering.
"I was so...passive. Lying there, your hands on me...so
arousing...and you...took me."
"I couldn't help the way I felt. It was a whole new way to
experience making love to you."
"Oh, gods, Gabrielle. That's it. That's the answer. Don't you see?
Yes, the time...it would be just about now I'd begin to show-- I saw
'you,' was aware only of you. It didn't even occur to me--when the
healer asked--I told him no one with the proper equipment to make
this happen had been anywhere near me--I was wrong. I'm not saying
there's not some divine intervention involved..."
"You mean--I'm going to be a
f-f-father?"
Xena reflected, it was a good thing they were lying down as she
joyfully cradled the limp body in her arms, nuzzling the golden hair.
"Poor baby."
===============================================================================================
LAYING THE GHOST
"Psst. Hey, wake up."
The dark haired beauty tossed and turned fitfully.
"Hey, Lucy, wakies." The whispering became more urgent.
"Lawless! On set!"
Sapphire blue eyes flickered, opened and stared wide-eyed without
focusing. "Wha--?"
"Hi, remember me?" Long, tapering fingers were waved and waggled in
her face, attached to a hand whose wrist was adorned by a dark
leather band.
Full moonlight spilled through the window as Lucy began to
disbelievingly make out the figure standing in her bedroom.
"Oh, no.
What are you doing here?! I thought we--"
"This the
scene of the crime? That's just my problem, honey. How
could you let him do this to me--to us?" The imposing dark
leather-clad individual gestured to the other occupant of the large
bed who slept soundly dreaming the dream of the terminally
unaffected. "You can't leave me like this. Disembodied. Flitting
around like the ghost of X-mas past."
"Why don't you go haunt Ren? No, I take that back, she has enough to
deal with right now."
"Aw,
that's so cute. The protective thing really does kick over into
real life. Ah, the ghost and Mrs. Muir... Sorry, couldn't resist."
The tall warrior in her bedroom gave a megawatt smile that seemed to
light up the darkness with teeth as feral white as the moon. "And,
besides, you can't blame this one on Gabrielle. Not after she
destroyed a whole universe for me."
"I see we're at the top of our own list, aren't we?"
"Well,
someone has to be concerned with my bodily integrity. Since
you and the hubby there gave up the ghost."
Lucy watched her counterpart and alter ego bend at the waist and
catch her own head in her hands as it toppled from her shoulders.
"Neat party trick, huh?" The head asked as she tucked it under her
arm.
"Eww. Cut that out. Are you trying to give me nightmares? That's
just gross."
"Heh. Now
you know how the fans felt."
"I'm never
gonna hear the end of it, am I?" the actress groaned and
dropped her own head back on the pillow.
"'Fraid not." The warrior said as she resettled Xena's detached
pate. "I won't let you go till you do right by me--and neither will
they." She did her best Marilyn Monroe sexy sotto voce. "Those
lovely people out there in the dark. You thought The Haunting of
Amphipolis was bad, you ain't seen nuthin' yet, baby."
"It wasn't
my idea," Lucy whined.
"It was
ugly, cold and sick. What's up with this guy anyway?" The
warrior gestured to the snoring lump.Lucy shrugged noncommitally.
"I'd call him your better half...but that's clearly my job description."
The actress rose from the bed. "Think I need a drink. How about
you?"
Xena followed her into an adjoining room. "You're probably expecting
a quip about spirits, but I'm still a bit touchy on the subject. The
problem, my dear Lucy, is when you create characters this strong,
they never die. And you'll just have to live with it--with me."
The actress busied herself mixing a stiff drink. "Sure you won't
join me?" she asked.
Xena
smirked. "I'll derive some small benefit. We are...connected,
you know. It'll be a vicarious thrill," she grinned, lighting up the
room again. "Yeah, that works both ways," she intimated as the
actress appraised her, brows raised. "So, what are we going to do,
Mrs. T? We can't leave poor little Gabby all alone holding the urn.
Are we supposed to let the bad blood build until it bursts a vessel
and hemorrhages into a flood that will just as likely engulf and
destroy the various fan factions as it will piss them off to the
point where they'll expend their own precious time and energy to
bring me back? Or is that the plan? Unmake your bed, lie about it."
Lucy scowled, arms crossed, giving no ground.
"Don't try
to intimidate me. I am the Queen of Intimidation. You
made me that way. Cat got your tongue? You need someone to write all
your lines? Does Svengali in there pull all the strings? You're an
intelligent, strong woman, don't you have anything to say about it?"
Xena was
close now, had dropped her voice into its sexiest, rolling
thunder register as she stood eye to eye with her enactor.
"Are you
trying to seduce me, Warrior Princess?"
"Is it working?"
Lucy swallowed hard and stared into Aegean depths every bit as
dangerously beguiling as her own. She had to physically tear herself
away from the adamantine pull of the tide before it became
completely irrisistible. Sighing heavily, she sat on the couch and
pulled her legs up, wrapping her arms around them. "You look awfully
pleased with yourself" she told the still smugly smirking warrior.
"Just proving the theory I've always held about Thespians and
Narcissus. Yes, I said THESpian. Don't get bent out of shape. Heh."
"Look," Lucy rose and stretched, "I'm going back to bed and sleep
you off, mate. This whole bloody business has gone too far."
"Agreed.
It has, indeed. Sleep on it."
"And I
don't need you invading my dreams."
"Can't much help that, darlin'--we are inextricably entwined...just
like Xena and Gabrielle. It'll take more than his over-produced,
half-baked, spiritually bankrupt hack work rip-off of obscure films
he hopes no one else saw of a finale to kill that."
Lucy looked sad and rather pouty now and Xena padded after her back
into the bedroom. The Kiwi sat gingerly on the bed, and then slowly
reclined, but the warrior bounded in between the couple and showed
no signs of being willingly dislodged. She leaned on an elbow and
looked, dispassionately, at the red-haired bloke. "Can I give him
the pinch?"
"No!" Lucy
grabbed her hand before it could strike.
"Aw, c'mon. He won't feel a thing. Just like poor, dead, headless
moi. I'll take it right off, I promise. The Pinch, that is. It's
only his head I'm talking about. Not even his favorite one, is it?
Afterall, he treated yours, uh, mine cavalierly enough, didn't he?
Tell me you've never secretly wished you could stop the flow of
blood to his brain...or other--" The actress clapped a hand over her
mouth.
"What am I
gonna do with you?" she wailed plaintively.
"There's
more than one way to lay a ghost, y'know."
"Very funny."
Xena nodded her head towards the dead-to-the-world ex. producer. "I
don't know, Lulu, but I've always thought he'd fancy a bit of the
ol' menage... I mean, it's almost part of the job description for
Hollywood types. Hey, why don't we all hop into the hot tub and have
this out once and for all!? Why, Ms. Lawless, I do believe you're
blushing. Not eponymous at all, afterall, are ya? I get all the ten
dinar words from my bard. She taught me a lot when you come right
down to it. Not the least of which is never ever give up. There is
no such thing as a lost cause. And she has just as many
hero-worshipping followers as I do. Sleep on that. Aw, come here."
Xena enveloped her in a warm embrace. "Gab seems to think I make a
pretty fair pillow. Lay your head on my shoulder. Relax. Bide your
time. And when you find you need me again--I'm here."
FIN
========================================================================
"You Can't Judge a Bard by the Sais of her Quill" by E.J. Rain
Author's Note: This little oddity of a playlet was written for a contest
requested by the actress who plays Gab in the Chicago production of "Xena Live!" It won. And she and the actress who plays
Xena were going to perform it at Xena Nite at a popular club, but never got around to it as far as I know...sigh...they had more important things to do...like installments
2 and 3 of their wildly successful pro live Xena show!
(Gabby is pacing, scroll in hand, composing a letter. Music: up
softly, Melissa's "I'm the Only One"..."Please baby can't you
see..." stops after the refrain...)
G: Dear Xena. (she sighs audibly) Dear W.P. Nah. Friend... Dearest
friend...it has come to my attention...no, no, no. (She flings her
quill to the ground.)
(Xena has entered and is hiding behind a tree watching Gab who is in
apparent distress though Xena seems amused by it. Gab rolls the
scroll and beats it against the palm of her hand.)
G: Listen, Xena, we haven't...we're not...I'm--
X: You're what, Gabrielle? (Xena steps into her path from behind the
tree.)
G: (blurts it out) I'm leaving you, Xena!
X: (one raised eyebrow, with supreme self-confidence and an obtuse
air bordering on smugness) What's for dinner? I'm starved. Killing
the gods gives me an appetite.
G: Did you hear me? I said I'm leaving.
X: Yeah. Been there, done that. Is this like the time you skipped
off to the Academy in Athens to hone your skills as a bard, or more
like the time you went running home to Potadeia because you thought
you might be a liability to me and unable to negotiate the finer
points of hand to hand combat, to watch my back? All water...or
blood under the bridge. You're the best bard in Greece and you know
how to handle yourself--almost as well as me.
G: Well...thank you, Xena. That's very...'nice' of you. I know you
don't give compliments readily...or at all! But that's not it.
X: (frowns) What then?
G: It's, uh, more like the time I...uh...left to marry Perdicus.
(That sets the W.P. back on her leather booted heels.)
X: Oh?
G: You've been...a little pre-occupied lately...you know, pregnancy,
Eve, Ares...and other bad boy toys, this twilight of the gods
business...
X: OK, I admit I haven't been as attentive to your needs, I suppose,
but you're a big girl now, you don't need me to look out for
you...all the time...anymore. I mean, you told me that's what you
wanted, isn't it? I've had a lot on my plate. Speaking of which,
could we, uh, possibly discuss this over dinner?
G: Did you catch anything?
X: (looks around at her person and the ground) Uh, guess not. What
are you in the mood for? (Xena tries a forward pass. Gab backs off.)
Who?
G: Huh?
X: Who is it? Virgil?
G: You are so predictable.
X: Well?
G: I thought I'd go and visit Thalassa for awhile.
X: You want to go back to Shark Island?! She almost hanged you.
G: True. But she didn't crack my head open like a boiled egg.
X: This...(she flourishes her chakram)... well, the older model,
saved your life at the time as I remember it--and mine.
G: Well, then you should just get a better grip on it, shouldn't
you?
X: That's what this is about. You're still mad at me for that.
G: Don't I have a right to be?! You almost killed me.
X: But I didn't. I...pulled my toss.
G: Sure felt like a serious fling to me. (feels her head) Ouch.
X: Serious fling, huh?
G: No, I didn't sleep with her, but she was certainly interested and
we had a nice rapport going. Same thing I used to have with you. It
was second nature. Like breathing. Where did it go?
X: Gabrielle, people change, go through phases, you, of all people,
know that.
G: 'Dite still likes me just the way I am.
X: A goddess too?
G: I could do a lot worse.
X: In fact...you have. Is that what you're thinking now, regretting
the whole sidekick thing, huh?
G: That's another thing--I thought we were more like equals now.
You've co-opted my whole Eli 'thing'. Since when did you give a good
gods damn about religion?
X: I was following your lead, baby, you led the way.
(The friends face-off, unyielding. Music: Tracy Chapman's "Give me
one reason to stay here and I'll turn right back around...")
X: I would say, We Can Work it Out, but (shrugs) didn't make the
final cut.
G: "The unkindest cut of all."
X: Hey, don't go Brutus on me.
G: If Thalassa or Aphrodite wouldn't cherish me the way you used
to--I know who would...
X: Don't you dare even say her name. Don't even think it. (Xena
bristles at the idea.) Don't you say the N word. Over my dead body.
G: She came closer than most to achieving that end.
X: You were turned on by us fighting over you, admit it. She's a
crazy crusader who'll stop at nothing to push her own twisted and
limited view of morality and dogma on the world.
G: Look who's talking. The W.P. calling
the...crusader...a...a...black...kettle...ur... knight...you know
what I mean. Xena, catch a clue, give me some consistency, at least.
Geez.
(She grits her teeth and stomps around a bit, exasperated.)
Big Dumb Warrior.
X: I do need you.
G: Why? To stroke your...ego? To preen your feathered vanity? Polish
your leathers...cook your meals...feed your hungers...you've become
accustomed to having me around, I look good on you, another
adornment. Well, I don't want to just be someone you've gotten used
to.
X: I know that.
G: In your mind, maybe, but in your heart--I'm not so sure anymore.
Where's the power, the passion? (Insert Xena theme here; a brief
flourish.) Where's the fire?
X: I can't just turn it on and off.
G: Oh, can't you? The switch seems to work pretty well when you have
a seduction scene to perform.
X: Do you know how many people have ever rejected me...and that's
including all possible combinations, denominations, and
persuasions...? (She makes a zero with her index finger and thumb
and then flourishes The Big O of her Chakram for extra emphasis.)
Maybe if you were a little more forthcoming these days yourself...
G: Why should I want to make love with someone who's just going
through the motions to gratify a purely physical need?
X: You know I love you.
G: Words.
X: So you would deny me actions and words. What's left?
G: Denial, as you know so well, is a river in Egypt, O, Queen of it.
As long as I don't crimp your...style, you'll continue to tolerate
me. It's like we're back to square one.
X: Angel, it took you a long time--oh, it was excruciating--before
you finally came round to me, and when you had your little epiphany
and the light went on I was right there ready and waiting for you,
wasn't I? But I knew...that first day...that first moment.
G: What's all that now but nostalgia? Yeah, you were my teacher...in
many ways...
X: Mmm. Tell me which one you like best.
G: You always try to get around me that way.
X: Always works. Ain't broke, don't fix.
G: Not this time. I mean it. I'm not going on like this. You can
tear up my contract.
X: That contract is written in our blood and binding after death
till the end of time. It's non-negotiable. Gabby, Gab, Gabrielle,
I'm sorry. From the stygian depths of my heart. Forgive me. I'll try
to do better. But I need some help. Don't turn away now.
G: It may be too late. Folks are fickle. Fashions change.
X: People too.
G: People do.
X: Don't go.
G: Why should I stay?
X: Remember when I held your life in my hands at the end of our
first year together--I begged you not to leave me then.
G: And I came back to you.
X: From the other side.
G: Just like you came back to me.
X: Yes. We belong together. It's the whole soulmates...deal. You
know that. You can't fight it.
G: Honey, people change. As you keep reminding me. And I don't think
you love me anymore.
X: You're part of me.
G: The part you don't love. Your dark heart. I'm not the
blood-innocent little girl any longer. I'm more like you now and you
don't like what you see. I'm sorry. I can't help that. It's who I am
now. Apparently. Did you get the memo on that?
X: And you blame me for that. You think I made you that way. Blame
it on the powers that be, but don't you dare blame me.
G: Whatever.
X: I didn't put a staff or any other weapon in your hand. What the
hell do you call those things? (refers to Gab's sais)
G: (sighs) It's a defensive weapon.
X: Not the way you've been using it.
G: Well, at least I haven't thrown it at the head of someone I claim
to love.
X: You stabbed my--our daughter with it.
G: I wasn't myself!
X: And I was?
G: Yeah...you were.
X: What do you want me to do?! I've been through Tartarus and Hell
for you.
G: World's smallest lute. What have you done for me lately?
(The W.P. tries to think of something. In vain. Music: Stevie Nicks
and Tom Petty; "Stop Draggin' my Heart Around")
G: I won't be dragged around Mt. Olympus like a common sack of
turnips or a rag doll. When I think of how I took you up that other
mountain on a nice comfortable litter and me with a wounded leg. And
then you had the nerve to go and die on me! (It's too much for her,
Gab breaks down and cries.)
X: Ooh, no fair. Sweetheart, please. (It's no use, she's
inconsolable. Xena, distressed, tries another tack.) So...did you
and 'Dite do it?
G: (stiffens and retracts herself from Xena's embrace.) What?
X: Didja diddle 'Dite? A little 'Dite do ya? You know...did you'n
'Dite do the deed--
G: I know what you mean! And no, we're...just good friends. Despite
any 'buzz' you may've heard--or seen written on The Tavern Wall.
X: She is the goddess of love.
G: That word hasn't been in your vocabulary lately.
X: I'm just a big insensitive warrior, I know.
G: Grade Alpha.
X: Stopped your crying though.
G: By pissing me off? Good tactic, Xena. Love and war. Two sides of
the same game for you.
X: (grins, then sobers) You were spending an awful lot of time with
her recently.
G: I think she was kinda lonely. Goddess of love is not an easy gig.
X: Yeah, must be kinda tough hearing all those pleas from the
lovelorn...and then watching the results.
G: And besides, you were busy sleeping--and gestating.
X: You still harbor a sneaking suspicion that I had Herc on the
side.
G: That was just the sympathy pain talking. Though if the 'father'
of our baby had to be another woman--any decently meaningful bard
would've made it fittingly mine as well. I know you didn't...with
Herc. I know you haven't with any man since I woke up and saw you
with Marcus on the other side of that fire, and he was a shade at
the time. I trust you. Wish you'd put the same faith in me.
X: You wouldn't really go back to...(whispers distastefully) Najara,
would you? You couldn't.
G: Well, you do both seem to be killing joyfully for the so-called
"god of love" these days. You racked up a pretty good carnage tally
with the old gods alone.
X: Darling, I'm more interested right now in the Bard of Love. (Xena
kneels and acquaints herself and her lips with Gab's abs.) "With my
body I thee worship."
G: This is not about sex, it's about love.
X: I embrace the Bard of Love wholeheartedly. Six of one, half dozen
of the other.
G: Many Skills?
X: You know it.
G: Still hungry?
X: I'm ravenous.
G: Lucky me. I must embrace my bardly duties, I suppose.
X: Your beauty duty?
G: Mmm. Bardly.
X: Bacchae? ( Gab giggles as Xena tickles her navel.) Batty? Badly?
G: Oh, yeah. Definitely.
X: Then that's the last word. All...she...wrote.
Blackout
Curtain
Finis
=================================================================================
BABY TALK
"You're being very
supportive."
Gabrielle smiled vaguely, nodded once and took her horse to the
stream as Xena unsaddled Argo.
"I...appreciate that," Xena said to her friend's back. The horses
were busily drinking, blonde and dark heads, bent together side by side.
Xena held out her hand and was rewarded when Gabrielle took it
and allowed herself to be drawn over into a little sheltered spot of
trees and boulders.
Xena kept hold of the smaller hand in her own. "Sorry to spring this
on you like that. I knew it would be a shock. To me too." Gabrielle
was still having difficulty meeting her eyes. "Any further
ideas...on how this might've happened?" Xena asked softly.
Gabrielle self-consciously withdrew her hand, folded into herself.
"I'm really sorry about what I said...about Herc. I know you
haven't..." the young woman trailed off sadly--reflecting on the
accusation she'd made earlier, on how it had made her feel, the
thought of Xena being... Gabrielle shook her head--"I'm no one to
talk, am I? Or to assign blame...to you. Whatever happened, I'm here
for you. Always. You know that."
"I know that."
"I haven't been...for awhile. It's not
you..."
"It's us." Xena turned sorrowing, regretful eyes upon her soulmate.
"I guess...you find out you're going to be together for
eternity--it's a bit overwhelming."
Gabrielle swallowed, nodding her head in agreement. Even after
they'd had that eternal flame dangled before them in India, it had
served more to distance them, ironically, than to bring them closer.
But how much closer could they be?
"Gabrielle, I'll never stop loving you," she said with sudden,
almost desperate need.
"I know that, Xena. I'll never stop believing in that." The younger
woman knelt and put her arms around her soulmate, pressing her cheek
against the slight swell of Xena's belly. The warrior stroked the
flaxen hair with such loving gentleness.
"You hear anything in
there?"
"Only that you're hungry." Gabrielle smiled. "What would you like
for dinner?"
"You don't have to wait on me just
bec--"
"I know I don't have to, I want to."
"In that case, I'll tell you exactly what I'd
like."
Gabrielle raised her head, met the striking blue she found
there.
"I'd like you to just keep on holding me--like this. That's what I
need--right now--more than anything."
A tear dropped from the clear emeralds of Gabrielle's eyes on to
Xena's hand pressed flat against the curve of her own
belly.
"I've been so afraid that all we've been through...has changed
us...so much...we don't..." Xena trailed off sorrowfully. "I've
missed this. Just holding you. Oh, Gabrielle." She never wanted to
force their intimacy on the young woman though there had been a time
when they couldn't get enough of each other. Xena was more aware
than most that passion fades inevitably.
Now the bard-turned-warrior was tugging her down on to their
sleeping furs. She kissed the dark haired woman softly, sweetly. "I
love you, Xena," she whispered, "I always have. From the first day.
From the first moment." Her breath was hot against Xena's ear. "If I
haven't been showing it...I guess maybe I feel... guilty...about a
lot of things---unworthy... I'm not that same little girl--"
"Shh," Xena hugged her fiercely. "I couldn't expect you to stay the
same. Not with what we've experienced together. Relationships
change, go through stages, it's the natural way of things."
"You saying you don't want me anymore?" Gabrielle asked
shakily.
"You know that's not
true."
"Do I?"
"We've become more like each other...more...evenly matched. Ares
showed us that when he let us share a single being."
"I could feel, for a moment, what it was like to be one with you
again. It was almost like..." Gabrielle's voice trailed off
shyly.
"An orgasm," Xena supplied for her.
The young woman nodded. "Yes." This line of thought made Xena draw a
sharp breath.
"What is it?" Gabrielle asked the woman still wrapped in her
arms.
"Gabrielle, I'm going to ask you something. You don't have to
answer. But I hope you will. You might want to slap my face. Maybe you
wanted to do that back there when I told you. Maybe that's why I
told you in a barnful of people. Sorry about that. And sorry about
this--"
Gabrielle took a deep breath and braced herself for whatever her
soulmate would ask if she was this ginger about doing it.
"Gabrielle, is it possible, when we transformed, from night to day,
into each other...that you...could've been the one...who was
carrying a child?"
Gabrielle released the breath in a
sigh.
"Oh, I know you've been wanting to ask me. And there it is. That was
a novel way to do it."
"I would never have asked--if I didn't need to
know."
"No, Xena, I swear to you, by our love, I swear there has been no
one else." Green eyes flashed emerald fire in the fading light of
the sunset. "I haven't been with anyone...since that afternoon
we--"
"The Menhdi."
"Yes," Gabrielle whispered, almost reverently, but she blushed at
the memory.
"We made love."
"You were so...open," the bard spoke slowly, dreamily,
remembering.
"I was so...passive. Lying there, your hands on me...so
arousing...and you...took me."
"I couldn't help the way I felt. It was a whole new way to
experience making love to you."
"Oh, gods, Gabrielle. That's it. That's the answer. Don't you see?
Yes, the time...it would be just about now I'd begin to show-- I saw
'you,' was aware only of you. It didn't even occur to me--when the
healer asked--I told him no one with the proper equipment to make
this happen had been anywhere near me--I was wrong. I'm not saying
there's not some divine intervention involved..."
"You mean--I'm going to be a
f-f-father?"
Xena reflected, it was a good thing they were lying down as she
joyfully cradled the limp body in her arms, nuzzling the golden hair.
"Poor baby."
===============================================================================================
A FEW SMALL REPAIRS
"Beautiful."
"Yes, it is," Gabrielle responded, looking out over the sloping
meadow the lavender hills, the vermillion ocean beyond, receiving
the setting sun.
"I meant--you." Xena touched her golden hair. There was a radiance
about her in the final rays of light, but there was always a
radiance about Gabrielle. No matter the time of day...or night.
The young woman relaxed back into her arms and
sighed.
"Can I ask you
something?"
Here it comes. Xena took a deep
breath.
"...Sure."
"Will you answer
me?"
"Try me." But she could detect that tone in Gabrielle's voice that
she wasn't sure she was quite ready to deal with. And so her hands
began to wander and caress... Gabrielle turned to face her, smiling,
but a dead calm seriousness in her eyes.
"You won't put me off the scent like
that."
"Worth a try."
"Later. Today...when Najara said she was surprised to see you
back--what did she mean...exactly? That keeps bothering
me--especially after the way you cut me out of the picture."
Gabrielle studied her so closely, Xena kept trying to avert her
eyes, look at the mossy ground, the peeling bark on a white birch,
the evening star...
"I mean," Gabrielle continued, "I wouldn't have thought much about
it...if you hadn't evidently confided in her...about...us...about--"
"Why do you do this? It's so... unnecessary. All I want to do right
now is lay you down by the fire and--"
"That's no
solution."
Xena swallowed. "I thought it was working pretty well for
us."
"That's not what I
mean."
Xena exhaled forcefully. "I do, you know. Hurt you. Almost every
day--in one way or another. It's killing me--I don't want it to...do
the same to you--I need not to be the cause of any more damage to
you...to your soul, than the harm I've already done to
you."
"And
so...what? What were you going to do about it? Leave me behind?
Go away without even saying goodbye? How could you do that to me?
Could you really let me go that easily?"
"Easy?! Easy?" Xena shook her
head.
"You
know I would've followed
you."
"That's what Najara said. But I saw how happy you were, thought
your...better nature...and Najara would make you realize that,
perhaps, it would be best for you..." she finished
softly.
"And what about you? What's best for
you?"
"You
know the answer to that." Xena's eyes were open and shining and
filled with love.
Gabrielle breathed slowly, found her bearing, determined not to go
all soppy on herself for once. She pinned Xena's eyes with a gaze as
fervent.
"But why?" she asked. "I don't
understand--why?"
"It's...what I told her. I'm afraid for you...if you stay with me.
If I don't go on hurting you...then someone...something else..."
Xena braced herself against the knee-buckling vertigo of The Vision,
"will and I couldn't--"
"What? You couldn't go on without me? That's always an extravagant
claim. We both know it's not true. You were ready to do just that.
To leave me with her."
"She cared for you. I thought I could trust her. I thought we
understood each other."
"You thought you could pass me on to someone else. Simple as that.
Ride away. And leave me."
"If you think you're on the wrong path...the one you travel with me...
Gabrielle, you're very wise...if your heart tells you something...you should
listen."
"My heart. It doesn't belong to me anymore. You should know that.
Shouldn't you? Try to tell me I don't belong by your side. Tell me
you don't want me and I'll go--right now."
"Always an 'extravagant'
gesture."
Gabrielle's temper flared like flintstone on kindling and she
grasped Xena's arms tightly. The warrior broke away easily, turned
toward the fire, her tongue flicked the sore spot at the corner of
her mouth. The entire trying rotten day washed over her. Gabrielle's
undeniable attraction to...that woman, being beaten by her in front
of Gabrielle--who had never seen her beaten as badly as that--and
they'd fought over her again...my "weakness," Xena thought, she'll
get me killed just as surely as I'll drag her down--
Xena spun, grabbed Gabrielle roughly, pushed her back into a tree,
pressed hard against her. "Do I frighten you?...with my darkness? We
both know you have a dark side too. Did I ignite that burning within
you, or was it always there, Gabrielle? Waiting for me. Did I
liberate your soul...as Najara claims to do?" Her fingers twisted in
the long flaxen hair, pulled Gabrielle's head back, kissed her hard,
the way she had this afternoon after she'd bound her hands and
trussed her up to throw the doting crusader off balance. "Did
you...did you sleep with her?"
"How can you think that?"
"Can you honestly tell me you didn't want
to?"
Gabrielle closed her eyes. Xena released her grip on the young
woman. Turned away once more so she wouldn't see the truth of it in
Gabrielle's eyes when she opened them again. Xena knelt by the fire,
studied the tangled patterns as the flames danced, conjoined. And
then, like healing, Gabrielle was behind her, holding
her.
"Do you want me to lie? Xena, if I didn't love you the way that I
do...I might never have even thought of another woman that
way."
"That's a neat little sidestep; you can blame me for that too." Xena
clasped her hands over those beneath her breasts and Gabrielle held
her tighter.
"Would you have loved me the same way...if you hadn't loved Lao Ma
before me?"
"I was wondering when you'd bring that up again. Gabrielle, I
would've loved you no matter what, in any time or place... Najara
was right about something else...for some reason there's still
a...reticence inside you...to give yourself completely, body and
soul, to make that commitment."
Gabrielle's arms loosened. "You spied on us? What did you hope to
see?"
"It's not like that--I needed to see if what I sensed was
true--if...she was part of what you've been searching for. You
looked so happy, your eyes, your face glowing...and I could see how
she looked at you..."
"And you were selflessly going to walk away. I still don't
understand why. You promised, when you thought I was dying, you
vowed you'd never leave me. You were jealous...and you rose above
it...like I couldn't do."
It was dark now, a profusion of stars above them, the fire warming
their flesh.
"You see, there it is, that's how I've hurt
you."
"I'm sorry. I know I'm not the same person you fell in love with. I
can't help how I've changed...but don't you try to make my decision
for me. I'm not afraid to stand beside you...no matter what
happens--"
"I know that. Sweetheart...can we discuss this in the morning...?"
Xena lowered her head, facing defeat to the bard's persistence, and
felt she might just be ready to finally give in and share the burden
of her vision with her soulmate. "I'm so proud of the woman you've
become--but you have to promise you'll listen to me if...if
sometime...in the future I need you to...do what I say without
question."
"Isn't that what I always do?" She delicately turned Xena's head and
brushed her lips softly against the warrior's. She remembered the
fevered manic glare that darkened Xena's eyes when she'd come back
for her, the way she gripped her wrist... Gabrielle shivered. Yes,
Xena frightened her sometimes, but it was only herself, she
realized, that she really feared, the thrill Xena awakened in
her...always. The strong woman had had savagery in her angry eyes as
she tied the rope around her wrists and Xena must've seen a flicker
of uncertainty on her face, "Trust me, Gabrielle?" she had
asked.
"With my life."
And after they'd used her to entrap Najara and Xena came back to
release her, Gabrielle had thrown her still bound arms over Xena's
head and around her neck, still hearing the passion in her words to
Najara and she wanted Xena to take her right there...
Now, they made love with a ferocity that would've astonished either
one of them...if it hadn't happened before.
And Xena slept peacefully, exhausted, slight smile quirking the
corner of her mouth, contented. And Gabrielle smiled at the sight
then lay on her back marvelling at the profusive array of silver
light above her. What did it all mean? There was no question in her
heart or mind or soul that she loved the woman lying by her side in
the dark.
Even death won't part us, she knew it instinctively, it
wouldn't dare.
========================================================================
THE SAME RIVER TWICE
There
were no illusions left between them. But Gabrielle felt
unaccountably, then, nervous about...that. If the truth be told--so
was Xena.
Where was she now? Taking a delaying stroll round the
perimeter
of the amazon village with Ephiny. The other woman had
finally
accepted them both. As sisters. Xena, though... She and
Gabrielle
had fumbled with the words to describe their
bond...
When Xena had been inside her...in her head...and body and soul,
she...they finally knew and grasped the full extent of it. And she
now knew
that Xena had also heard her, her deepest thoughts and
feelings,
when the warrior lay hovering in the limbo land between
life and
death. Now...what would they do about
it?
On
chill nights they had been used to warm each other when the fire
wasn't
enough, snuggling close, perfectly at ease and comfortable
with the
feel of each other, with another woman's body...there had
even been
moments
when...
But Gabrielle had always pulled back. Not wanting to know about
herself
what her true heart could not deny...her pulse and breath
quickened when Xena touched or gazed at her. And when those deep sea
blue eyes
had opened again, miraculously, thank the gods, and Xena
had
smiled up at her...everything that needed to had been said with
a simple
all-encompassing, "I know."
They both
knew...now. Could not deny it any longer. The tiny
beneficent fleck of ambrosia, warmed from nesting in the soft
contours
of her aching breast had been so gratefully, carefully
rescued
and held in her trembling fingers as she profferred it to
Xena's
deathly silent mouth, the silk of her lips on Gabrielle's
fingertips as she pushed the golden morsel of lifegiving godfood
past
those lips and onto Xena's velvet
tongue.
Gabrielle looked at her hand now, still trembling as she thought
about it,
the feel
of...
Xena
stepped into their hut for the night--or however long they
wished to
stay. Their eyes greeted each other with shy relief, but
they both
looked away. Gabrielle sat on a low wicker hassock and
stared
into the fire. It's too deep and wide for me to crossover all
alone...
She heard Xena remove her armor, something she'd grown to
look
forward to helping her with every evening as they retired...to
lie
together...side by side. Now, she was relieved she didn't have
to. She
didn't trust
herself.
"Do you want to?" Xena's voice was a warm caress, a tone only
Gabrielle
usually got to hear and marvel at. But Gabrielle looked up
sharply
with what must've been sheer terror in her wide green eyes.
Xena
smiled indulgently. "I mean...aren't you tired? It's been a
long day.
Ready for
bed?"
"Oh... Yeah...that...well, yes, you certainly wore me out--I mean
I'm
not...my body isn't used to all that...you know...what you do.
It
was...a unique
experience."
"For me too. You may've felt safe and warm and protected..." Xena's
voice was
as soft as she'd ever heard it, "but I felt something
too..inside of
you..."
Gabrielle swallowed the lump visibly bobbing in her throat in sudden
fear, her
throat constricting. "Oh...yes?..." Her voice was a dry
husk,
rustling in the
wind.
Xena
came and knelt beside her. "Gabrielle, I'm not the eloquent one
with
words, not like you, I wish I could say it all...to you...but,
do we
need the words? Anymore? Has that been the problem? Part of
the
problem? The words were inadequate...for what we felt. They got
in the
way...as we tried to find the right ones, to name it...to
figure it
out. Aren't we past that...now? Don't you feel that?" The
warrior's
hand brushed against her hair, surprisingly gentle, one
finger
thrillingly grazed the opening of her ear and she was
compelled
to release a breath she hadn't been aware she was holding.
Gabrielle
forced herself to meet those eyes that knew her, knew
everything now... She swallowed again, or tried to, spoke haltingly.
"I'll try
anyway," she needed a moment to find her breath, to calm
her
wildly beating heart. "I thought I'd lost you...again. And I
suddenly
regretted all the things I hadn't said, all the things I
should've
told you...and then...you open your eyes, your beautiful
bluer
than heaven eyes, and...you 'know'...everything...all I've
been
trying to hide from you...even from myself. And I feel this
rush of
elation when you entered me, all the love in the world; that
you'd
never let anything happen to me, how you've waited so
patiently, hoping, not wanting to frighten me away, that if it was
meant to
be I would realize it, give into it finally and love you in
return.
Of course I do. I always have. And now...you know how
much."
Xena tugged Gabrielle down onto the rush and reed mat before the
fire,
eyes shining with passion, but tempered with great and
revelatory tenderness. Her warrior was a woman in love,
afterall.
"Gabrielle," she whispered in
wonder.
What better place for their first time than the amazon village
surrounded by sisters of their tribe, women who pledged their lives
to each
other.
"No
more words," Gabrielle
replied.
None were necessary.
=======================================================================
DEJA VU REVISITED
She watched the woman quietly, dispassionately, she
thought, as she struggled to order her thoughts. This obviously
wasn't easy for her. Whether in asking for help or in the nature of
whatever it was she battled within herself.
The pretty psychologist crossed her legs and relaxed into
her chair, hoping the tall, dark haired woman in the other chair,
facing hers, would relax as well, but she kept fiddling nervously
with her hands. She wore no rings, the doctor noted. Smiling
slightly in what she hoped was an encouraging manner, she said,
"Whenever
you're ready."
Sharp blue eyes flitted to her face. "Well, doctor, I've been
having these dreams..." she laughed, "I guess that sounds just
too damn bloody typical, huh?"
"You want to tell me about
them?"
"It's kind of embarrassing."
"Would you feel more comfortable if you lie down and close
your eyes?" the petite blonde offered.
"I don't know. Maybe. Okay. Yeah, let's give it a try."
This
woman was very guarded, she wondered if she'd be able to get
her to open up. "Alright.
Comfortable?"
"Mm hm."
"Good. Now, you've been having recurring dreams?"
"Uh,
yeah. Strange things too. Downright bizarre. I guess you're supposed
to be the hero of your own dreams, but these take it to a ridiculous degree."
"And why would you find that troubling--being the hero, I
mean?" the gentle voice asked her.
"It's not that...so much...it's...I feel like I'm searching
for something I can't find...I can't name. And just when
I'm on the verge of discovering...it...I wake up...with my heart
pounding
and can't get back to sleep. It's starting to...spook me.
Do I need
medication, doctor?"
"I'm only a ph.d, can't prescribe. Can you tell me if
you're going through any...changes...job...lifestyle?"
"On the contrary. Feeling in a rut, if anything. Could
that be it? Not enough adventure in my life?"
"Maybe," the doctor inclined her head agreeably. "Let's
explore that. Anything you'd rather be doing?"
"Right now? Sure. I can think of a few things." She cleared
her throat.
"Well?"
The dark haired woman shifted and opened one eye. "Uh, you don't need
to hear that part...do you?"
Her smile was sweet, her voice soft, "Not unless you want
to tell me."
The tall woman swallowed and lay back, reclosing that
piercingly blue eye. "Maybe, another time...okay?"
"Sure. I'm here for you."
"Always," the woman murmured sleepily, without having to
think about it.
"Or, at least, till the end of the session," the doctor said with
a smile, but she felt an unaccountable prickle along her arms and
the fine blonde hairs stood on end. Warning sign. You mustn't
get personally involved with a client. The ultimate no-no.
"Do you
want to try a relaxation technique?"
"You mean hypnosis."
"No. That's b.s. Just try some deep, measured, calm
breathing...try not to fall asleep...that wouldn't help--unless you
happen to talk in your sleep."
"Hm. I wouldn't
know."
"No one's ever mentioned
it?"
"Not recently, no."
Well, did that tell you what you wanted to know, doctor?
Take a
deep breath yourself, she chided. "Try to envision freeing your mind
to float above your body," the soothing voice continued,
"Imagine
that your body is a shell, a vessel for your essence,
your...soul."
"You're not trying past-life regression are you?"
"Sh. It's
just a metaphor. Go with it. Tell me what images, if any, you
see as you become aware of the shadows in the darkness
taking form."
"I see..." All she could envision right now were those twinkling
green eyes looking at her with warmth and compassion. Oh, dear.
Well, that was normal, wasn't it? Transference. That's what
they called it. It was a known phenomenon with its own nomenclature.
The
patient naturally began to have certain feelings for her doctor.
She just
wasn't aware it could begin to happen this quickly.
"I...uh...see--well, it's really more of a feeling--"
"Tell me about it."
"Complete acceptance and understanding."
"Mm.
We're all searching for that."
"Do we all deserve it
though?"
"You think you don't?"
"I haven't been the most...consistent person."
"Ah, you
mean you're merely human then?" she said with wry
amusement wrapped in a warm velvet tone.
"Is it
part of the job description or are you always this sweet and
charming?"
Somewhat taken aback, the doctor cleared her throat,
"We're
concentrating on you now, remember."
"Yes, Doctor." Her lips quirked slightly in mock
mollification. "Plays well with others? How am I doin', Doc?"
"If it helps you to think of it as a game, you go right ahead.
Want to try some free association?"
"Sure. Shoot."
"Alright." She gazed at the raven haired woman lying
there.
"Dark."
"That's easy. Light," she went on blithely, "black, white.
Day, night."
"Lost," the doctor interjected.
"Me," the woman spoke immediately, barely hearing herself.
"Why?"
"Wherefore. Oh, you mean 'Why?' I don't know. Incomplete.
Sometimes
I feel like a...sword has split me right down the middle and I'm
only half of what I should or could be. I feel a...longing.
For something or..."
"Someone?"
"My other half? That's kinda pathetic, isn't it?"
"I don't
think so. It's quite...Jungian, really."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. Collective Unconscious stuff." She found herself talking
to this beautiful dark haired woman as if she were an old friend.
Rarely did she feel this at ease with a new client. But the
woman seemed to respond to it as well.
"You mean
all those old archetypes rattling around in the attic."
"That's
it. The symbology--you just described one of the oldest creation
myths for humans, for...love. Male and female, divided like
the splitting of a cell."
"Uh...does it have to
be?"
"Does it have to be
what?"
"Male/female?"
Oh, well...interesting to know. "You don't have to tell me anything
of a more personal nature...if you'd rather not," the no longer
completely objective psychologist thought.
A sly grin came over the taller woman's face, "What would
you like to know?" Her tone was pure seduction.
The doctor cleared her throat. "To answer your previous question.
No, in fact--which is a silly concept when we're talking about a
myth--but it is said that if the amorphous glob of
proto-humanity was divided not perfectly in half, and a woman, for example,
has a little more of the aggressive yang she will feel
complete only by the feminine ying."
"In another
woman?"
"Uh, yes, that will be her other half."
"We're talking about soulmates, aren't we?"
"I guess
we are. If you believe in that."
"Do you?"
"I don't really know. I've never experienced it."
"Soulmates," she mused. "Always had an affinity for that idea."
She crossed her arms under her head and crossed her legs at the
ankles.
"I never did either."
"Did what?"
"Find it. Experience it. That coming together with someone
you know you'd risk everything for, your life...your soul."
The young psychologist felt herself responding to the other
woman's tone, felt the pull of...something...something older than
time... The woman's voice and manner stirred something in her,
deeply recessed...and waiting...for this moment.
"Still looking for my...tree in the forest."
The
doctor sat bolt upright, and in a raspy voice asked, "What made
you say that?"
"Don't know, exactly. It's not an expression I normally
use. Don't know where I got it."
"Do you see this other...person when you dream?"
"Always
just out of my grasp. I reach into the darkness searching for
a...hand...her hand and I know when I find her I'll never let
go."
"What do
you think she's like?"
"You mean--what kind of tree would she be?" They both
chuckled.
"Just coming into bud, soft and sweet and warm. Smart and
funny. With the most inviting eyes, though a little shy."
"Sounds as though you know exactly who you want."
"Well...the desire speaks to me. You think I'll draw that to myself if
I focus hard enough? Or, is that just wishful thinking?"
"It is.
But that doesn't mean it won't happen. Go on. What else
do you see?"
"I see a kind
of...maze."
"Is it in a
garden?"
"Yeah. Very geometric
design."
"Wheels within
wheels?"
"An infinite
regression."
"Cycles."
"Everything pulling towards the center."
"The
Mandala. The perfect image for meditation."
"Do I go
for the center?"
"You try. To find your
way."
"Isn't that your
job?"
"To...facilitate, yeah."
"Ooo, I love it when you talk like that."
"Concentrate.
Focus on getting there. It's what you want."
"Alone..."
"You're not
alone."
An unexplained chill went through both of them.
"I'll fall off the edge of the world. It's like those old maps that fill in
the unknown with sea monsters.
Dangerous."
"'Beyond this place there be dragons,'" the doctor intoned.
"Are you afraid?"
"Am I sabotaging myself?" she asked plaintively. "If I
find her--then I have to risk losing her."
"You take your chances. We all do. Step into the unknown.
Take the journey."
"Will you hold my hand...if I start to fall?"
"Of course," and rather unprofessionally, some would argue, she leant
forward and took the dark woman's hand and when the deep blue eyes
opened and met hers...she was the one to fall. They held the contact
for an endless moment, eyes tearing with unspoken
emotion--something was happening between them. Something profound.
The two halves of a shared soul had found each other again.
The doctor was the first to be able to speak. "The session
is over.
You'll have to find another therapist--if you wish to
continue pursuing this..."
The woman looked momentarily at sea, then smiled.
"Pursuing...'this'... Do I need to do that, you think?" she looked
wonderingly into those warm green eyes she seemed to know.
"Well...we can talk about that--over dinner? Since you are
no longer my patient."
"Good idea," the woman agreed in a whisper.
"7 good for you?"
"It'll do...considering I've already waited a lifetime."
================================================================================
AKEMI
She would never grow old. Never age a day over what she was when Xena had
first set eyes on her. Remaining forever young with her perfect beauty and
flawless skin. While Gabrielle...Gabrielle had aged in the years since she and
Xena had begun travelling together. She saw it, the fine lines around her eyes
and mouth, whenever she caught her reflection in a still pool or bronze mirror.
The mirrors in this room, however, displayed no image of either her warrior or
the eternally youthful paramour from her past.
The ache near her heart, the queasy churning in her stomach never let up, not
since she stepped foot across that wooden bridge and entered this paper house.
She knew it for what it was. Had experienced every jaundiced nuance of it all
too clearly, all too often before in their relatively short time together. The
jealousy she thought she'd learned to deal with by now. But here was yet another
of her partner's former...'interests'...and yet another that she'd not been
considered privy enough to be informed about. Yet again. And how could she be
angry with Xena for that? Angry with a ghost...a trick of the light and shadows
and imageless mirrors in this room which probably existed only in her mind.
Xena had been so tenderly solicitous. Playing the geisha for her. Hands
delicate and servile, removing her kendo rig and laying down beside her on the
bamboo mat to receive the gift of the dragon. The gift of pain. A thousand tiny
needle stabs into the flesh of her pristine back as Xena smiled enigmatically,
feminine and oh so beautiful in her red kimono. And always, just a thought away,
a breath away--did ghosts breathe?--somewhere in the room, hovering, Akemi
shimmered, glowing with her damned eternal youth and beauty.
=================================================
Suspended,
dancing
between Elysium
and
the
dark
river
I struggle to
keep
my head
above
the tide
of You
Onrushing,
full-
as
the
moon
to
drown
me
to pull
me
down
I rise
on
the
dolphin's back
I
plunge
to the
depths
of
your
souL
"Beautiful."
"Yes, it is," Gabrielle responded, looking out over the sloping
meadow the lavender hills, the vermillion ocean beyond, receiving
the setting sun.
"I meant--you." Xena touched her golden hair. There was a radiance
about her in the final rays of light, but there was always a
radiance about Gabrielle. No matter the time of day...or night.
The young woman relaxed back into her arms and
sighed.
"Can I ask you
something?"
Here it comes. Xena took a deep
breath.
"...Sure."
"Will you answer
me?"
"Try me." But she could detect that tone in Gabrielle's voice that
she wasn't sure she was quite ready to deal with. And so her hands
began to wander and caress... Gabrielle turned to face her, smiling,
but a dead calm seriousness in her eyes.
"You won't put me off the scent like
that."
"Worth a try."
"Later. Today...when Najara said she was surprised to see you
back--what did she mean...exactly? That keeps bothering
me--especially after the way you cut me out of the picture."
Gabrielle studied her so closely, Xena kept trying to avert her
eyes, look at the mossy ground, the peeling bark on a white birch,
the evening star...
"I mean," Gabrielle continued, "I wouldn't have thought much about
it...if you hadn't evidently confided in her...about...us...about--"
"Why do you do this? It's so... unnecessary. All I want to do right
now is lay you down by the fire and--"
"That's no
solution."
Xena swallowed. "I thought it was working pretty well for
us."
"That's not what I
mean."
Xena exhaled forcefully. "I do, you know. Hurt you. Almost every
day--in one way or another. It's killing me--I don't want it to...do
the same to you--I need not to be the cause of any more damage to
you...to your soul, than the harm I've already done to
you."
"And
so...what? What were you going to do about it? Leave me behind?
Go away without even saying goodbye? How could you do that to me?
Could you really let me go that easily?"
"Easy?! Easy?" Xena shook her
head.
"You
know I would've followed
you."
"That's what Najara said. But I saw how happy you were, thought
your...better nature...and Najara would make you realize that,
perhaps, it would be best for you..." she finished
softly.
"And what about you? What's best for
you?"
"You
know the answer to that." Xena's eyes were open and shining and
filled with love.
Gabrielle breathed slowly, found her bearing, determined not to go
all soppy on herself for once. She pinned Xena's eyes with a gaze as
fervent.
"But why?" she asked. "I don't
understand--why?"
"It's...what I told her. I'm afraid for you...if you stay with me.
If I don't go on hurting you...then someone...something else..."
Xena braced herself against the knee-buckling vertigo of The Vision,
"will and I couldn't--"
"What? You couldn't go on without me? That's always an extravagant
claim. We both know it's not true. You were ready to do just that.
To leave me with her."
"She cared for you. I thought I could trust her. I thought we
understood each other."
"You thought you could pass me on to someone else. Simple as that.
Ride away. And leave me."
"If you think you're on the wrong path...the one you travel with me...
Gabrielle, you're very wise...if your heart tells you something...you should
listen."
"My heart. It doesn't belong to me anymore. You should know that.
Shouldn't you? Try to tell me I don't belong by your side. Tell me
you don't want me and I'll go--right now."
"Always an 'extravagant'
gesture."
Gabrielle's temper flared like flintstone on kindling and she
grasped Xena's arms tightly. The warrior broke away easily, turned
toward the fire, her tongue flicked the sore spot at the corner of
her mouth. The entire trying rotten day washed over her. Gabrielle's
undeniable attraction to...that woman, being beaten by her in front
of Gabrielle--who had never seen her beaten as badly as that--and
they'd fought over her again...my "weakness," Xena thought, she'll
get me killed just as surely as I'll drag her down--
Xena spun, grabbed Gabrielle roughly, pushed her back into a tree,
pressed hard against her. "Do I frighten you?...with my darkness? We
both know you have a dark side too. Did I ignite that burning within
you, or was it always there, Gabrielle? Waiting for me. Did I
liberate your soul...as Najara claims to do?" Her fingers twisted in
the long flaxen hair, pulled Gabrielle's head back, kissed her hard,
the way she had this afternoon after she'd bound her hands and
trussed her up to throw the doting crusader off balance. "Did
you...did you sleep with her?"
"How can you think that?"
"Can you honestly tell me you didn't want
to?"
Gabrielle closed her eyes. Xena released her grip on the young
woman. Turned away once more so she wouldn't see the truth of it in
Gabrielle's eyes when she opened them again. Xena knelt by the fire,
studied the tangled patterns as the flames danced, conjoined. And
then, like healing, Gabrielle was behind her, holding
her.
"Do you want me to lie? Xena, if I didn't love you the way that I
do...I might never have even thought of another woman that
way."
"That's a neat little sidestep; you can blame me for that too." Xena
clasped her hands over those beneath her breasts and Gabrielle held
her tighter.
"Would you have loved me the same way...if you hadn't loved Lao Ma
before me?"
"I was wondering when you'd bring that up again. Gabrielle, I
would've loved you no matter what, in any time or place... Najara
was right about something else...for some reason there's still
a...reticence inside you...to give yourself completely, body and
soul, to make that commitment."
Gabrielle's arms loosened. "You spied on us? What did you hope to
see?"
"It's not like that--I needed to see if what I sensed was
true--if...she was part of what you've been searching for. You
looked so happy, your eyes, your face glowing...and I could see how
she looked at you..."
"And you were selflessly going to walk away. I still don't
understand why. You promised, when you thought I was dying, you
vowed you'd never leave me. You were jealous...and you rose above
it...like I couldn't do."
It was dark now, a profusion of stars above them, the fire warming
their flesh.
"You see, there it is, that's how I've hurt
you."
"I'm sorry. I know I'm not the same person you fell in love with. I
can't help how I've changed...but don't you try to make my decision
for me. I'm not afraid to stand beside you...no matter what
happens--"
"I know that. Sweetheart...can we discuss this in the morning...?"
Xena lowered her head, facing defeat to the bard's persistence, and
felt she might just be ready to finally give in and share the burden
of her vision with her soulmate. "I'm so proud of the woman you've
become--but you have to promise you'll listen to me if...if
sometime...in the future I need you to...do what I say without
question."
"Isn't that what I always do?" She delicately turned Xena's head and
brushed her lips softly against the warrior's. She remembered the
fevered manic glare that darkened Xena's eyes when she'd come back
for her, the way she gripped her wrist... Gabrielle shivered. Yes,
Xena frightened her sometimes, but it was only herself, she
realized, that she really feared, the thrill Xena awakened in
her...always. The strong woman had had savagery in her angry eyes as
she tied the rope around her wrists and Xena must've seen a flicker
of uncertainty on her face, "Trust me, Gabrielle?" she had
asked.
"With my life."
And after they'd used her to entrap Najara and Xena came back to
release her, Gabrielle had thrown her still bound arms over Xena's
head and around her neck, still hearing the passion in her words to
Najara and she wanted Xena to take her right there...
Now, they made love with a ferocity that would've astonished either
one of them...if it hadn't happened before.
And Xena slept peacefully, exhausted, slight smile quirking the
corner of her mouth, contented. And Gabrielle smiled at the sight
then lay on her back marvelling at the profusive array of silver
light above her. What did it all mean? There was no question in her
heart or mind or soul that she loved the woman lying by her side in
the dark.
Even death won't part us, she knew it instinctively, it
wouldn't dare.
========================================================================
THE SAME RIVER TWICE
There
were no illusions left between them. But Gabrielle felt
unaccountably, then, nervous about...that. If the truth be told--so
was Xena.
Where was she now? Taking a delaying stroll round the
perimeter
of the amazon village with Ephiny. The other woman had
finally
accepted them both. As sisters. Xena, though... She and
Gabrielle
had fumbled with the words to describe their
bond...
When Xena had been inside her...in her head...and body and soul,
she...they finally knew and grasped the full extent of it. And she
now knew
that Xena had also heard her, her deepest thoughts and
feelings,
when the warrior lay hovering in the limbo land between
life and
death. Now...what would they do about
it?
On
chill nights they had been used to warm each other when the fire
wasn't
enough, snuggling close, perfectly at ease and comfortable
with the
feel of each other, with another woman's body...there had
even been
moments
when...
But Gabrielle had always pulled back. Not wanting to know about
herself
what her true heart could not deny...her pulse and breath
quickened when Xena touched or gazed at her. And when those deep sea
blue eyes
had opened again, miraculously, thank the gods, and Xena
had
smiled up at her...everything that needed to had been said with
a simple
all-encompassing, "I know."
They both
knew...now. Could not deny it any longer. The tiny
beneficent fleck of ambrosia, warmed from nesting in the soft
contours
of her aching breast had been so gratefully, carefully
rescued
and held in her trembling fingers as she profferred it to
Xena's
deathly silent mouth, the silk of her lips on Gabrielle's
fingertips as she pushed the golden morsel of lifegiving godfood
past
those lips and onto Xena's velvet
tongue.
Gabrielle looked at her hand now, still trembling as she thought
about it,
the feel
of...
Xena
stepped into their hut for the night--or however long they
wished to
stay. Their eyes greeted each other with shy relief, but
they both
looked away. Gabrielle sat on a low wicker hassock and
stared
into the fire. It's too deep and wide for me to crossover all
alone...
She heard Xena remove her armor, something she'd grown to
look
forward to helping her with every evening as they retired...to
lie
together...side by side. Now, she was relieved she didn't have
to. She
didn't trust
herself.
"Do you want to?" Xena's voice was a warm caress, a tone only
Gabrielle
usually got to hear and marvel at. But Gabrielle looked up
sharply
with what must've been sheer terror in her wide green eyes.
Xena
smiled indulgently. "I mean...aren't you tired? It's been a
long day.
Ready for
bed?"
"Oh... Yeah...that...well, yes, you certainly wore me out--I mean
I'm
not...my body isn't used to all that...you know...what you do.
It
was...a unique
experience."
"For me too. You may've felt safe and warm and protected..." Xena's
voice was
as soft as she'd ever heard it, "but I felt something
too..inside of
you..."
Gabrielle swallowed the lump visibly bobbing in her throat in sudden
fear, her
throat constricting. "Oh...yes?..." Her voice was a dry
husk,
rustling in the
wind.
Xena
came and knelt beside her. "Gabrielle, I'm not the eloquent one
with
words, not like you, I wish I could say it all...to you...but,
do we
need the words? Anymore? Has that been the problem? Part of
the
problem? The words were inadequate...for what we felt. They got
in the
way...as we tried to find the right ones, to name it...to
figure it
out. Aren't we past that...now? Don't you feel that?" The
warrior's
hand brushed against her hair, surprisingly gentle, one
finger
thrillingly grazed the opening of her ear and she was
compelled
to release a breath she hadn't been aware she was holding.
Gabrielle
forced herself to meet those eyes that knew her, knew
everything now... She swallowed again, or tried to, spoke haltingly.
"I'll try
anyway," she needed a moment to find her breath, to calm
her
wildly beating heart. "I thought I'd lost you...again. And I
suddenly
regretted all the things I hadn't said, all the things I
should've
told you...and then...you open your eyes, your beautiful
bluer
than heaven eyes, and...you 'know'...everything...all I've
been
trying to hide from you...even from myself. And I feel this
rush of
elation when you entered me, all the love in the world; that
you'd
never let anything happen to me, how you've waited so
patiently, hoping, not wanting to frighten me away, that if it was
meant to
be I would realize it, give into it finally and love you in
return.
Of course I do. I always have. And now...you know how
much."
Xena tugged Gabrielle down onto the rush and reed mat before the
fire,
eyes shining with passion, but tempered with great and
revelatory tenderness. Her warrior was a woman in love,
afterall.
"Gabrielle," she whispered in
wonder.
What better place for their first time than the amazon village
surrounded by sisters of their tribe, women who pledged their lives
to each
other.
"No
more words," Gabrielle
replied.
None were necessary.
=======================================================================
DEJA VU REVISITED
She watched the woman quietly, dispassionately, she
thought, as she struggled to order her thoughts. This obviously
wasn't easy for her. Whether in asking for help or in the nature of
whatever it was she battled within herself.
The pretty psychologist crossed her legs and relaxed into
her chair, hoping the tall, dark haired woman in the other chair,
facing hers, would relax as well, but she kept fiddling nervously
with her hands. She wore no rings, the doctor noted. Smiling
slightly in what she hoped was an encouraging manner, she said,
"Whenever
you're ready."
Sharp blue eyes flitted to her face. "Well, doctor, I've been
having these dreams..." she laughed, "I guess that sounds just
too damn bloody typical, huh?"
"You want to tell me about
them?"
"It's kind of embarrassing."
"Would you feel more comfortable if you lie down and close
your eyes?" the petite blonde offered.
"I don't know. Maybe. Okay. Yeah, let's give it a try."
This
woman was very guarded, she wondered if she'd be able to get
her to open up. "Alright.
Comfortable?"
"Mm hm."
"Good. Now, you've been having recurring dreams?"
"Uh,
yeah. Strange things too. Downright bizarre. I guess you're supposed
to be the hero of your own dreams, but these take it to a ridiculous degree."
"And why would you find that troubling--being the hero, I
mean?" the gentle voice asked her.
"It's not that...so much...it's...I feel like I'm searching
for something I can't find...I can't name. And just when
I'm on the verge of discovering...it...I wake up...with my heart
pounding
and can't get back to sleep. It's starting to...spook me.
Do I need
medication, doctor?"
"I'm only a ph.d, can't prescribe. Can you tell me if
you're going through any...changes...job...lifestyle?"
"On the contrary. Feeling in a rut, if anything. Could
that be it? Not enough adventure in my life?"
"Maybe," the doctor inclined her head agreeably. "Let's
explore that. Anything you'd rather be doing?"
"Right now? Sure. I can think of a few things." She cleared
her throat.
"Well?"
The dark haired woman shifted and opened one eye. "Uh, you don't need
to hear that part...do you?"
Her smile was sweet, her voice soft, "Not unless you want
to tell me."
The tall woman swallowed and lay back, reclosing that
piercingly blue eye. "Maybe, another time...okay?"
"Sure. I'm here for you."
"Always," the woman murmured sleepily, without having to
think about it.
"Or, at least, till the end of the session," the doctor said with
a smile, but she felt an unaccountable prickle along her arms and
the fine blonde hairs stood on end. Warning sign. You mustn't
get personally involved with a client. The ultimate no-no.
"Do you
want to try a relaxation technique?"
"You mean hypnosis."
"No. That's b.s. Just try some deep, measured, calm
breathing...try not to fall asleep...that wouldn't help--unless you
happen to talk in your sleep."
"Hm. I wouldn't
know."
"No one's ever mentioned
it?"
"Not recently, no."
Well, did that tell you what you wanted to know, doctor?
Take a
deep breath yourself, she chided. "Try to envision freeing your mind
to float above your body," the soothing voice continued,
"Imagine
that your body is a shell, a vessel for your essence,
your...soul."
"You're not trying past-life regression are you?"
"Sh. It's
just a metaphor. Go with it. Tell me what images, if any, you
see as you become aware of the shadows in the darkness
taking form."
"I see..." All she could envision right now were those twinkling
green eyes looking at her with warmth and compassion. Oh, dear.
Well, that was normal, wasn't it? Transference. That's what
they called it. It was a known phenomenon with its own nomenclature.
The
patient naturally began to have certain feelings for her doctor.
She just
wasn't aware it could begin to happen this quickly.
"I...uh...see--well, it's really more of a feeling--"
"Tell me about it."
"Complete acceptance and understanding."
"Mm.
We're all searching for that."
"Do we all deserve it
though?"
"You think you don't?"
"I haven't been the most...consistent person."
"Ah, you
mean you're merely human then?" she said with wry
amusement wrapped in a warm velvet tone.
"Is it
part of the job description or are you always this sweet and
charming?"
Somewhat taken aback, the doctor cleared her throat,
"We're
concentrating on you now, remember."
"Yes, Doctor." Her lips quirked slightly in mock
mollification. "Plays well with others? How am I doin', Doc?"
"If it helps you to think of it as a game, you go right ahead.
Want to try some free association?"
"Sure. Shoot."
"Alright." She gazed at the raven haired woman lying
there.
"Dark."
"That's easy. Light," she went on blithely, "black, white.
Day, night."
"Lost," the doctor interjected.
"Me," the woman spoke immediately, barely hearing herself.
"Why?"
"Wherefore. Oh, you mean 'Why?' I don't know. Incomplete.
Sometimes
I feel like a...sword has split me right down the middle and I'm
only half of what I should or could be. I feel a...longing.
For something or..."
"Someone?"
"My other half? That's kinda pathetic, isn't it?"
"I don't
think so. It's quite...Jungian, really."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. Collective Unconscious stuff." She found herself talking
to this beautiful dark haired woman as if she were an old friend.
Rarely did she feel this at ease with a new client. But the
woman seemed to respond to it as well.
"You mean
all those old archetypes rattling around in the attic."
"That's
it. The symbology--you just described one of the oldest creation
myths for humans, for...love. Male and female, divided like
the splitting of a cell."
"Uh...does it have to
be?"
"Does it have to be
what?"
"Male/female?"
Oh, well...interesting to know. "You don't have to tell me anything
of a more personal nature...if you'd rather not," the no longer
completely objective psychologist thought.
A sly grin came over the taller woman's face, "What would
you like to know?" Her tone was pure seduction.
The doctor cleared her throat. "To answer your previous question.
No, in fact--which is a silly concept when we're talking about a
myth--but it is said that if the amorphous glob of
proto-humanity was divided not perfectly in half, and a woman, for example,
has a little more of the aggressive yang she will feel
complete only by the feminine ying."
"In another
woman?"
"Uh, yes, that will be her other half."
"We're talking about soulmates, aren't we?"
"I guess
we are. If you believe in that."
"Do you?"
"I don't really know. I've never experienced it."
"Soulmates," she mused. "Always had an affinity for that idea."
She crossed her arms under her head and crossed her legs at the
ankles.
"I never did either."
"Did what?"
"Find it. Experience it. That coming together with someone
you know you'd risk everything for, your life...your soul."
The young psychologist felt herself responding to the other
woman's tone, felt the pull of...something...something older than
time... The woman's voice and manner stirred something in her,
deeply recessed...and waiting...for this moment.
"Still looking for my...tree in the forest."
The
doctor sat bolt upright, and in a raspy voice asked, "What made
you say that?"
"Don't know, exactly. It's not an expression I normally
use. Don't know where I got it."
"Do you see this other...person when you dream?"
"Always
just out of my grasp. I reach into the darkness searching for
a...hand...her hand and I know when I find her I'll never let
go."
"What do
you think she's like?"
"You mean--what kind of tree would she be?" They both
chuckled.
"Just coming into bud, soft and sweet and warm. Smart and
funny. With the most inviting eyes, though a little shy."
"Sounds as though you know exactly who you want."
"Well...the desire speaks to me. You think I'll draw that to myself if
I focus hard enough? Or, is that just wishful thinking?"
"It is.
But that doesn't mean it won't happen. Go on. What else
do you see?"
"I see a kind
of...maze."
"Is it in a
garden?"
"Yeah. Very geometric
design."
"Wheels within
wheels?"
"An infinite
regression."
"Cycles."
"Everything pulling towards the center."
"The
Mandala. The perfect image for meditation."
"Do I go
for the center?"
"You try. To find your
way."
"Isn't that your
job?"
"To...facilitate, yeah."
"Ooo, I love it when you talk like that."
"Concentrate.
Focus on getting there. It's what you want."
"Alone..."
"You're not
alone."
An unexplained chill went through both of them.
"I'll fall off the edge of the world. It's like those old maps that fill in
the unknown with sea monsters.
Dangerous."
"'Beyond this place there be dragons,'" the doctor intoned.
"Are you afraid?"
"Am I sabotaging myself?" she asked plaintively. "If I
find her--then I have to risk losing her."
"You take your chances. We all do. Step into the unknown.
Take the journey."
"Will you hold my hand...if I start to fall?"
"Of course," and rather unprofessionally, some would argue, she leant
forward and took the dark woman's hand and when the deep blue eyes
opened and met hers...she was the one to fall. They held the contact
for an endless moment, eyes tearing with unspoken
emotion--something was happening between them. Something profound.
The two halves of a shared soul had found each other again.
The doctor was the first to be able to speak. "The session
is over.
You'll have to find another therapist--if you wish to
continue pursuing this..."
The woman looked momentarily at sea, then smiled.
"Pursuing...'this'... Do I need to do that, you think?" she looked
wonderingly into those warm green eyes she seemed to know.
"Well...we can talk about that--over dinner? Since you are
no longer my patient."
"Good idea," the woman agreed in a whisper.
"7 good for you?"
"It'll do...considering I've already waited a lifetime."
================================================================================
AKEMI
She would never grow old. Never age a day over what she was when Xena had
first set eyes on her. Remaining forever young with her perfect beauty and
flawless skin. While Gabrielle...Gabrielle had aged in the years since she and
Xena had begun travelling together. She saw it, the fine lines around her eyes
and mouth, whenever she caught her reflection in a still pool or bronze mirror.
The mirrors in this room, however, displayed no image of either her warrior or
the eternally youthful paramour from her past.
The ache near her heart, the queasy churning in her stomach never let up, not
since she stepped foot across that wooden bridge and entered this paper house.
She knew it for what it was. Had experienced every jaundiced nuance of it all
too clearly, all too often before in their relatively short time together. The
jealousy she thought she'd learned to deal with by now. But here was yet another
of her partner's former...'interests'...and yet another that she'd not been
considered privy enough to be informed about. Yet again. And how could she be
angry with Xena for that? Angry with a ghost...a trick of the light and shadows
and imageless mirrors in this room which probably existed only in her mind.
Xena had been so tenderly solicitous. Playing the geisha for her. Hands
delicate and servile, removing her kendo rig and laying down beside her on the
bamboo mat to receive the gift of the dragon. The gift of pain. A thousand tiny
needle stabs into the flesh of her pristine back as Xena smiled enigmatically,
feminine and oh so beautiful in her red kimono. And always, just a thought away,
a breath away--did ghosts breathe?--somewhere in the room, hovering, Akemi
shimmered, glowing with her damned eternal youth and beauty.
=================================================
Suspended,
dancing
between Elysium
and
the
dark
river
I struggle to
keep
my head
above
the tide
of You
Onrushing,
full-
as
the
moon
to
drown
me
to pull
me
down
I rise
on
the
dolphin's back
I
plunge
to the
depths
of
your
souL