Penance
She felt sick, sick to her stomach. It
wasn't just her surroundings. She
played it all over in her mind for the
millionth time. Her heart was
breaking. Finally, she spoke the words that had
been burning like gall
within her. "Of all the horror in all the nightmares
of my past, all
that we've been through together--the last thing, the very
last thing I ever dreamed was that you would...betray me."
Gabrielle still wept, silently now. "You should've killed me when I was
in his bed. It would've been fitting," she sniffled and fought to gain
control of herself.
"I'm so sorry. I would trade places with you. You
know I would."
Xena swallowed. "I know." Sighing mightily, she tried to shrug,
impossible with this damnable weight on her shoulders. "What's done is
done. Don't blame yourself. And...Gabrielle...promise me this...that you
won't...you won't try and follow me."
The young woman's eyes flickered, betrayed her thoughts.
"Followed you here, didn't I?" Then quietly, almost a whisper, "I'd follow
you anywhere. You know that."
"What I'm afraid of. You're not Orpheus,
Gabrielle, remember that. Don't
get carried away with a futile
gesture."
"Oh?...look who's talking. What brought you here but a
gesture...for someone who...obviously means...meant a great deal to
you."
"That's different. I pledged a solemn oath."
"I....uh....thought we
had something like that between us."
Xena searched her face, bored into her
eyes. "I'd hate to think you did
this to me out of some misplaced sense
of...jealousy."
Gabrielle couldn't continue to meet the sad blue eyes, turned
away.
Xena swallowed hard, over the rising lump in her throat. "Well,
you don't have to worry about that now do you? She's dead." The tears
fell again from crystal blue eyes that had been bone dry for far too
long. Only when Gabrielle had slapped her in frustration before the
cruel ruler Xena herself had created and then knelt to softly caress her
face had she allowed herself the indulgence of tears--she simply could
not help it. She was already dead inside, since the moment she'd found
her friend here, mourning for herself and Gabrielle--and Lao-Ma.
"Why did you strike me? Kneeling before you. Utterly helpless--for once.
Why? How much penance must I do? For daring to love someone...another
woman...before you."
It hit home as surely as if Xena's hand had
returned the blow.
Gabrielle almost choked as she tried to get the words out. "I...you
would do anything
for her...risk everything we've had...but for me... I
pleaded with you, but
you wouldn't stay with me...you would've killed my
daughter...if I--" Her
face was twisted with painful emotions as she
blurted it all out.
"It's all right, Gabrielle. I forgive you...everything. I hope you'll
forgive
me...someday." The warrior smiled sadly. "You want me to disown
you. To say 'get away from me, I never want to see you again,' but, in
my heart, my soul, that could never be true. Why punish you--for
punishing me. Perhaps I've
deserved this all along. I have to make
reparation for my past. For all the
damage I caused. I'm glad for two
things in my life...two women who gave me
meaning...a reason to
live...who loved me when I felt I hadn't deserved it.
What did you both
see in me? You had more faith in me than I ever had in
myself."
Gabrielle was crying again, Xena wasn't sure she'd been listening.
"I wish I could reach you...I mean, with my hands--"
Gabrielle wiped her eyes with the silk sleeve. "I'd put your sword in
one hand and place the
other around my throat--and then you could deal
with the anger--"
"Shh, I didn't mean that. I need to hold you. I need to..." She craned
with her neck until it became unbearable, rubbing hurtfully against the
raw abrasion that ringed her flesh.
Gabrielle blinked away tears. "I told him you
couldn't...wouldn't harm
me. No matter what. He thought it a sign of weakness
and against your...nature."
"You're the only one alive who knows my true
nature, Gabrielle."
The guards were wading through the filthy water now,
coming to bear her to execution.
"Be brave, Gabrielle," she whispered
hurriedly. "No heroics. Promise!
Your hand on that." Their trembling fingers
intertwined momentarily.
Gabrielle whispered back, "Do you really know how
much...?"
"Yes. Of course I do."
********
And after the palace lay in
ruins, after they'd walked away from certain
doom yet again, after they'd
said the words, and we're safely ensconced
on a merchant ship on the way back
home...Xena lay in Gabrielle's arms,
rocking her as the ship rocked on the
steady waves. "She would've loved
you. You're much more kindred spirits than
she and I." She stroked the
fine blonde hair.
"I wanted to...meet her...to
see what you... I'm sure I would've liked
her. And we had something else in
common--loving you."
"You see, Gabrielle. That's what I meant. The real debt
I owed to her wasn't just my life, my legs, my spirit...it was...it is for
you...what I feel for you...for teaching me how to love--not just
physically," she ran a luxuriating hand over her lover's body, "how to love
another woman, the most profound love I've ever known allowing me to give
and receive this miracle, this gift..." She pressed her mouth hard
against that of the other woman in her arms, felt the small breasts meld
into her own, thrilled to a sweet throaty woman sound from her partner
and answered in kind. In another moment they would make soul-affirming
love and swim the waters of forgetfulness--and forgiveness.
"How could I compete with that beautiful memory?"
"This wasn't a competition,
Gabrielle."
"How can you ever trust me again?"
"I'll find a way."
Breathing ragged, she gasped, "I do love you. I can
love you. With everything
within me. More than I could ever give to
anyone else--woman or man."
"Except for her."
"She's gone. Let her go. As I must do. I have you
in my arms, what else
is there? No world around us, floating ecstasy,
magical, never to come
down from this dizzying height, always just about to
fall, but there to
lift each other up. Don't you feel it too? Always.
Forever. No more lies."
Gabrielle breathed. Deeply. "My life is yours. I
pledge everything I
am...'a solemn oath'...from this moment on...anything you
want...or need--"
"I have everything. Everything I want...or need. I have
you."
"If you want me you can call me
In
the night you know where I'll be
Broken lover you can touch me
In the dark
the innocent can't see
you lock it up now hide the key
It would mean
surrender to let me see
Oh brave, brave soldier keep it under cover
you
fell alone like no other lover
...Sell your fear and leave me standing
here
With no souvenirs...
Love shouldn't be so hard."
--Melissa
Meditation
As she was lying in the emperor's bed, covers
over her head like a
naughty girl, she had time to think...and reconsider. As
one person, she
rationalized this as the only conceivable way in which to
stop her determined friend from a return to cold-blooded murder. She loved
Xena.
Deeply. Loved her body, but also wished to uphold the care of
her soul--which she felt had been entrusted to her--given freely into
her care by the woman herself.
But were her motives that pure? Xena must
have loved the first woman she
credited with saving her very...very much. Was
she envious of that...jealous? She had thought Xena would do anything for
her--but the battle over the child, to which she'd given birth after having
been virtually raped by evil had severely stressed their relationship
and Gabrielle's unquestioning trust of her friend. They had no secrets
from each other--until The Big Lie that now hung over her head. Why
should she feel guilty, though, for saving her daughter's life?
She made a clear choice, though a necessary one in defense against
Xena's relentless pursuit. She chose her life with the warrior and gave
up her child to the fates. This would always be the single sore spot,
she knew, in their relationship--until..until Xena's enduring love for
this other woman drew her
back to this place. Gabrielle went over and
over their parting words, what
else could she have said to deter her?
She begged, pleaded, reasoned...tried
guilt, finally...let Xena see her
true concern. It's the woman...this woman
you would risk everything
for--including us.
Did I come here to stop Xena
or to meet her...her
former...former?...didn't seem to be anything former
about her feelings
for this woman. They seemed all too immediate to
Gabrielle. The dimensions, the dynamics of it troubled her. If she still
loved Lao-Ma this much then...who am I, what am I to Xena? What am I doing in
her life? And she in mine. She pledged Everything to this woman. And
then left her? Will that happen to us...to me...if she meets
someone else...Gabrielle groaned in frustration. She felt like hitting
someone.
Preferably the arrogant young emperor. He was hard to like under
the circumstances even though he was attempting his best, she could tell,
to be charming to her. She was saving his life, his kingdom afterall.
She had imparted some greater peace of mind and soul as well as a sense
of moderation and the use only of self-defense or defense of others in
dealing with Xena's explosive violence. She'd had a positive effect. But
Xena had been influencing her behavior as well, she couldn't deny it.
She'd wanted to kill, could've killed Callisto and, finally she felt the
tears come hot and salt sting her eyes, she did kill. There was violence
in her as well, a well-hidden and sublimated streak of it, but it was
there within her and she must struggle with it now as Xena struggled.
She felt she'd been punished for
it..but maybe that punishment was just
a beginning. Xena's strong arms had
held her, provided a measure of
comfort, as much as she could, to her
troubled spirit and aching body.
She wished Xena was here now, with her in
this bed, to rock her gently
to sleep again.
Xena must be disappointed in
her, her innocence which the warrior had so
loved lost forever. She
remembered the horrendous feeling of blade
knifing into human flesh. Could
Xena have really done that to her child,
something that came from inside her
no matter the genesis, a part of
her? She shuddered. And then the anger rose
again. How could she do that
to me?! Force me to run in fear from her--when I
should always be able
and willing to run to her under any circumstances. Why
wouldn't she
listen...trust me? Trust. She'll never be able to trust me again
after this. Will she?
If that's the price I have to pay for keeping her
true to herself--and
to the teaching of Lao-Ma (no matter what her pledge
from Xena regarding The Green Dragon may have actually entailed) and, as it
turned out, to Gabrielle's own beliefs--if that's what it will cost to save
her life--added to other more personal costs which she'd already
paid-out here in this room, she shivered....Xena would never know.
Another lie--one of omission--between them now.
I'll show her I have some
initiative. I have my ways. Managed to beat
her here didn't I? Set her up,
you mean, Gabrielle, her bad angel
chided. Her empty stomach--she couldn't
have eaten-- growled at her.
Home--got to get back home--away form
this...interesting though rather
insubstantial cuisine.
I'll just lay down
the law, grab her hand and get her the hades out
of here...before...she...uh...decides to go looking for
her former...teacher--not the word she didn't want to face up to, though
it would do. She knew all too well what Lao-Ma had taught
her friend--something precious, which had been passed on through her
to Gabrielle--her hand strayed, she touched herself, thought of
Xena. Wished again she was here beside her. I, too, have something to
thank Lao-Ma for, don't I?
She could share Xena with a man. There was no
sense of competition
there. It was an entirely different other situation. But
another woman.
Someone older-- wiser...more attractive? Beautiful in fact--in
Xena's eyes anyway. Gabrielle sighed. No, she'll never forgive me. She'll
risk death and go off searching for her and I'll...She felt Xena's
presence in the room, standing by the bed. It was too late.
But she had been betrayed...as surely, though not as thoroughly,
horribly as she had betrayed her friend. He would never let her go. And
Xena, damn her!, stubbornly refused to budge from her promise. Gabrielle
pleaded and begged--once again--to, it became increasingly evident, no
avail. And that little bastard sat behind her, laughing at her efforts.
The pain of their parting, the pangs of uncertainty--jealousy, the
residual anger, the fresh hurt of seeing her proud warrior in this
degraded condition, her fault, all
her fault--and you did all this for
someone else, not me...as much as I love
you...as much as I've given of
myself...keeping yourself in this position--in
which I placed you...by
stubbornly clinging to a promise made so long ago--to
her--who's obviously more important to you than I am--standing here screaming
at you till I'm red in the face and you won't hear me, I have no power
over you at all do I?--well, I have this-- In angry frustration her
hand lashed out, almost beyond her control, struck Xena's face where
she knelt before her, helpless--I'm the only one who can save you--this
time it's 'me' trying to save 'you'-- hear me, damn you! Gabrielle had
never been so furious at anyone.
Then she saw the tears. That stunned her.
At least I've reached her,
gotten through to her...but for all the wrong
reasons. Her heart sank.
It was over. She hates me. I've hurt her too deeply
to ever be forgiven.
I've killed her and I might as well be dead
too.
*******
Xena was still in shock, cold to the touch, letting Gabrielle
lead her.
She touched the silk robe delicately with her fingertips, looked at
it with far away eyes, remembering perhaps. "You look lovely in this.
The color compliments your eyes--even when they were angry."
"Sorry," Gabrielle whispered again. She removed Xena's shift and helped
her into the water. Removing the Green Dragon's silks, she slipped into
the bath behind Xena. Gabrielle lovingly bathed her, washed her hair,
held her close.
Xena couldn't help think of that other time, that other woman who'd
soothed her like this, washed away her pain, her troubled spirit--who
had also put her through hell from time...to time and been waiting for
her with welcoming
arms...always open. The woman would pour herself over
you like a warm breeze
from the sea and rock you gently like the mother
ocean. She was the
moon...the sun...the stars. Xena started to weep
quietly, her shoulders shook
and Gabrielle's arms tightened securely
round her, her distended nipples like
hard little pebbles against Xena's
back.
"I'm sorry," she said again. She
was crying too. "I'm sorry for what I
put you through. I'm sorry she's dead.
Sorry, sorry, sorry. I don't ask
you to forgive me. I know you do. For some
reason. Just please try to
understand."
"I think I do--"
"I love you so
much. I almost got you killed because of it. I didn't
know love could be so
destructive. Till now it's never been like that
for us."
"'Love is
measured by what one is willing to give up for it.'"
"Lao-Ma?"
"She knew
from the beginning she'd have to give me up some day. You
risked my love. I risked losing you too."
"We're stronger for it. Aren't we?"
"I hope so.
Oh, I hope so."
Gabrielle winced at the word, but closed her eyes and hugged
tight, kissed Xena between her shoulder blades. They sat quietly like that
for a long moment during which Gabrielle's thoughts swirled and parted
like rising mist.
"How could she have wanted you to kill her child--as you
tried to kill...mine? The only children of the two women you've loved. Why?
It's not as if they're the living evidence that we were unfaithful to
you...
It was long before you met her. And I didn't know what was happening
to me. You should've been there for me. Where were you?!
Fighting...him."
"Oh...your kelt in a kilt."
"I knew you didn't like him,
could tell you were a little jealous, could
tell the way you looked at
him--and me. Didn't call you on it. I
should've trusted your instincts.
And...I didn't sleep with him no
matter what you think."
"Because you
didn't want to, or because there was no opportunity?" She
pulled a strand of Xena's coal black hair.
"Ow. There you go again. If you want one good solid
punch...I'll give
you that. Take your best shot."
Gabrielle sighed. "I
will never strike you in anger again. I'll cut my
hand off first."
"Lao-Ma
told me to never say never." She remembered once again the
pleasures of the
bath with her mentor...but would not confide that to
her young friend. "He
reminded you of Perdicus, didn't he? I understood.
I may be about as subtle
as a charging rhino sometimes...but I do know
you...pretty well. As the
emperor knew me. He used my own dark heart
against me in the end."
Taking a breath, Gabrielle nodded. "He told me you knew anyone's worst
fear and would use it against them."
"It could've been worse. It would've been like
him to have you trussed
up in his bed...and to have let me stab you--or to
have kept his mother
alive and hid her there for me to kill.
Either...would've destroyed me
completely. You know I'd go through hades for
you."
"You have. You did."
Xena relaxed back into Gabrielle's arms in the
warm water. They were in
a small hostel near the pier, waiting for the next
ship home. The young
woman's healing hands on her now, soothing her aching
muscles, bathing
away the pain and sorrow, cleansing her wounds.
"I only wish I could've saved her. Then all of this would've been worth
it."
"You
loved her...very much."
"Yes."
"I..."
"Don't say it, Gabrielle. Don't
ask."
"What?"
"'More than me?' It doesn't matter."
"Doesn't matter now,
you mean."
"Don't interpret for me. My heart knows. And you know my heart.
Or should. By now."
She sighed. Accepted. "She wouldn't let you kill him
as a child--"
"He was just a child then afterall--but the damage--my damage
had already been done. And I've paid for it now--haven't I?"
"She made you
promise to stop a part of herself from doing the very
thing she feared for
her people...her country. But once he grew to an
evil manhood--"
"Don't worry, Gabrielle, his own twisted fury...will put a stop to him.
I didn't know I was there for...revenge. But her faithful would've seen
to that, known I'd come and avenge her. Though I had feared her dead...I
hoped against hope
(Gabrielle winced again at the word) it wasn't true."
"Do you...think she
realized it was you who formed him those few days
more than she could ever
counter in his whole life?"
"He would've told her--if she hadn't figured it
out. But she was so
wise, I'm sure she knew."
"And forgave you."
"That was her way. You could've destroyed me... Fate, it's
unforgiving--and I...was
responsible for killing her in the end...I was
ready...willing to join her,
but I heard her speaking to me, from
yesterday, as clear as today here with
you. To let it go. All hatred,
anger...all of it."
"And you did. And we
came out the other side able to say--"
"I love you."
"I do. I always
have."
"I know. You are my soul."
They dried each other lovingly and
prepared for a good sleep in a nice
warm bed for a change. Gabrielle picked
up the book Xena had handled
with reverence-- 'her' teaching--all Xena
possessed now of the woman she
had loved. She took it to Xena and knelt
before her.
"We'll take it to Athens. To the Academy. Copies will be made.
She will not be forgotten. I promise you, Xena. If I'm not remembered as a
bard for my own work...I'll see to it she will live again through
this."
Xena brushed the golden hair with her fingers, with something
much greater than fondness. "No recriminations over this. I sat there in
the dark, so numb the cold didn't penetrate, just thinking, an
endless circle. I would die for you, that's a given--I was in
shock--beyond
hurting--at what you'd done--even though the anger was tempered
with how much I love you--unconditional, without question...my life is
yours..."
They embraced tiredly without passion and lay down together in
each other's arms.
"Did she make you cry
make you break
down
shatter your illusions of love?
Is it over now, do you know how
to
pick up the pieces and go on?"
"Gold-dust woman"
========================
In Time
"Here I am patching you up again. I had
hoped you would have learned--"
"Oh, don't lecture. My head aches. You
almost killed me--you wanted
to--for that moment. Admit it. Your
anger--"
The woman smiled, maddeningly, again. Laughing at her. "You think
it's 'my' anger that I use against you? No, Xena, it is your own.
I merely...deflect it back to you." The woman was always the enviable
calm at the center of any storm. And Xena loved her for it.
Suddenly she grabbled Lao-Ma playfully and wrestled her down on the bed.
She winced at the
pain in her head and eased off. "You keep telling me
to release my desires as
well. Why don't you echo those back to me too?"
The woman of Ch'in smiled
once more, quite enchanting it was, really...
"Let it happen. Let go. It will
all come to you in time. Sleep. And
dream of me." The soft hands lightly
massaged her temples.
They were so warm and lovely...and almost electric in
what they communicated to her troubled mind and aching head. The laying on
of hands. With which she had been healed. She drifted. Floated. Again.
As surely as if she'd been lifted bodily as before--before that
brute interrupted their ecstatic play. Xena had fucked him within an inch
of his life out of anger at Lao-Ma for bringing him here--when she
would just as soon have killed him for his betrayal. She must be getting
soft.
She would've killed anyone--her own mother, for that kind of
betrayal.
Without question.
As a man, this was all he could offer her.
Hard and fast, a means to a
purely physical end. She twisted on his manhood,
brought herself off,
but for some reason she didn't quite understand, refused
him completion
inside her womb--she turned round, moved her hips suggestively
and whispered, "Hurt me."
"Oh, you're in that mood. Alright, then, you
want punishment, you shall
have it." She cried out only at the first thrust
as he took her in the
Greek fashion, but held on to the pain, used it as
always to feed her
anger--which, too, as always, emanated, originated from
within herself.
It was becoming hard to hate herself anymore now--not with a
woman of
Lao-Ma's quality to love her, this lucky...chance
she'd...fallen
into...in this place.
Later when she crawled into bed next
to the woman she curled up like a
child wanting only to be held. The Chinese
woman did not move. Xena
smirked, "Well, I did what you wanted--I made it
'up' with him. Happy
now?" she all but snarled.
"You follow your hungers
and desires. It has nothing to do with me. It's
of your own making."
Xena sighed. "I know, I know. Stop desiring. Easier said than done." She
reached over, palmed and squeezed one firm breast. "Is that what you
want? For me to stop desiring you?"
"As you wish."
"That's not going to happen." Xena
stubbornly pinched the nipple. Lao-Ma
did not respond. The Greek woman lay on
her back, tried to release
anger, resentment...lust...even that. All of it.
Not to care...about
anything. Let it all go. Let it be. Breathe. Just
breathe. And...it
will...it may come to be...come to you...
"Come to me,
Xena," the warm voice caressed her name, called to her,
enticing as always,
filled with love and acceptance. Like she'd never
known before. Blessed
understanding. She opened her eyes, headache gone
and was thrilled by the
sight of that exquisitely beautiful woman, silk
robe falling from her
shoulders. The emotion threatened to overwhelm
her. But she waited. Tried to
regulate her breathing. The supreme
softness of the woman spilled over her,
cool water, healing balm, flesh
to flesh.
A spontaneous fire of equals.
Oh, she could come just from the
anticipating...the feeling this woman evoked
in her. They didn't even
have to touch...oh, but the touching was bliss
too...embodying the
joy...perhaps, it was not necessary--it would not kill
one to abstain...but why deny the pleasure? That would be as foolish
as overindulgence. Wouldn't it?
"Do you still want me to be your 'warrior
princess'?"
"Of course. Out there. In my...in our bedroom I prefer a woman's
touch."
She brought Xena's hands to her breasts, straddled her, gazing
into bright western eyes. Startling that blue--it went right through
you. Left its mark on your heart. "I always knew you would come to me.
I waited without desire, all my adult life. I was dutiful. As
expected. And I waited. Xena," she traced the strong lines of the beautiful
face with one finger, "some day you 'will' become the woman I know
you capable of becoming--the woman you really wish to be. If not me,
someone will come into your life to soothe away all the pain, the past--"
Xena caught the finger gently between her lips.
"It's you. Only you. I
could never love another woman as I love you. I
will never love 'anyone'
again in my life--"
"Stop. 'Never' should 'never' be in your vocabulary." Her
laughter was the purest music.
Xena grinned. "I'll 'never' be a woman of
moderation." Her voice was
husky deep with sexuality, and she raised an
eyebrow to rakish effect.
"You should be distinctly happy about that at the
moment."
The woman laughed again and melted into her arms.
*********
"I
prayed for something I could never understand
The sword of Shiva to deliver
me to unimagined lands
And there you were
I asked for something that could
catch me by surprise
To leap into the belly of the beast
To rip me up and
bring me out alive
And there you were
Into your eyes I'm falling
rain
Into your eyes a hurricane
Into your eyes I'm coming home
I'm
holding on
I'm letting go
Oh, I'm flying free
Over the land of the
prophecy
All my future below
Oh, I pledge my life
All I am to be by
your side
Then you whisper that all you need of me
Is just to breathe..."
--Kenny Loggins
The Pipedream
High on opium, Xena couldn't tear
her eyes from the woman. The effect
she was having on Barias, it was
palpable. Her jealousy grew with each
look and tentative touch they
exchanged, or what her fevered,
drug-addled imagination believed she saw. But
it was her anger that grew
suddenly explosive--and not for the reason she
would've admitted to. No,
as she watched her lover lavish attention on this
Chinese woman, she was
prey to pure envy. Unlike any she'd felt before. She
was the one who
wished to know what it would be like to be seated in his
place. To touch
that soft hand, have that smile, those dancing eyes turn
toward her.
There was something about Lao-Ma.
Xena felt the telltale
moisture gather between her legs. She could see,
could feel herself taking
this woman down, overpowering her, having
her--but, she couldn't, wouldn't
allow these unnecessary and foolish
emotions to intrude--better to kill her
and have done with it.
And, yet, what would it feel like to indulge this
primal lust, this
desire so strong it made her weak? The woman's body beneath
the silk,
ripe and soft, skin sun-hued and blushing like an apricot ready to
be plucked. Xena could almost feel the heated wetness on her fingertips
as the yielding flesh gave way, parted for her passage. How sweet it
would be to make her whimper, make her come-- calling my name. And mine
alone.
ALONE
"I alone love you
I alone tempt
you
I alone love you
Fear is not the end of this..."
--Live
Xena
trembled though the water was warm, enveloping her tired body, her
aching limb. The power of this woman over her was undeniable; not a
martial force of
superior strength, though she may have possessed that
as well, but a
surpassing gentleness of voice...and touch which she'd
all but forgotten,
left far behind in her history--if, indeed, she'd
ever known it at
all.
The warrior had done everything rough and tumble, even
this--especially
this. She'd thought it had to hurt to feel good. And so
she'd fucked her
recent male partner (and all the rest) with a fury, never
concealed, which the men apparently found very exciting. They always came
back for more.
How could this deceptively fragile eastern flower have
known she would
respond like this? ...She couldn't have known herself.
Couldn't deny the
attraction as the woman's soft mouth closed on hers once
again. She had
just saved the warrior's life with that sweet mouth.
Xena
felt the curious stirring--deep in her breast and womb, between her
legs. The woman removed her silken robe and joined Xena in the bath. The
graceful hands, magnetic gaze, pale golden skin... all
this beauty and softness. She
wasn't used to it. Not at all. But she
knew she liked what she was
feeling.
The remarkably agile fingers, the soft tongue in her mouth, on
her breasts...and then, slipping beneath the surface again, the woman
knelt to tender a different sort of kiss. Xena, as a Greek woman, knew of
the practice, of course, but no one, certainly none of the brutes she'd
hung with, had ever done this for her. It was...indescribably wonderful.
A revelation, as if a mask had been withdrawn from her eyes.
She hadn't trusted anyone in a very long time. To let down her guard,
allow herself the
luxury (for under this gentle pressure of kindness a
luxury it did indeed
become) of vulnerable acceptance. She gave herself.
For the first time in her
life. Gave in completely and experienced
sensations she would have despaired
of ever feeling if she'd even
believed they really existed. Falling. Diving
head first off a precipice
to be caught up in saving arms just before you
crashed and soaring
together into a blinding white sky... Later, when
she ventured with her own hand to explore, to caress the woman in kind
Xena caught her breath and murmured, "Like silk."
"Yes!" the woman hissed
in her ear. The warmth of the water could not
conceal this greater heat and
deeper wetness. Her fingers were clumsy
compared to her teacher, but the
woman did not seem to mind.
Ah, the best sex the warrior had ever known...no,
this was lovemaking,
sweet and sensual--sacred and profound. The real thing.
Days or weeks...or months later...the Greek woman had lost all track of time
in this exotic kingdom in which she found...and lost herself.
One fine golden morning after a full night of continuous pleasure and
passion Xena lolled on her side, head at the foot of the bed in the
manner of the Honored
Position of Reciprocity which her teacher, with an
enigmatic smile had
maddeningly, though momentarily, that first night
let her figure out for
herself. And which she had in sudden lust-induced
inspiration to the great
mutual delight of both women. Once again Xena
found herself thinking the same
question she'd had from the beginning
and finally it escaped her lips. "Why?"
"Why not?"
"Oh, now that's just the eastern tradition of answering a
question with
a question."
"As you wish." Her foot stroked Xena's thigh.
The warrior's leg had
finally healed. Strong and good as new. Better. She was
far better.
Inside and out. Xena smiled, "And to think I tried to kill
you."
The woman laughed and reached for her. "Come. Try again."
When the
time had finally arrived for her to go the parting was more
difficult than
anything she'd ever undertaken before. Through tears she
found herself
choking back the surprising emotions that had been
awakened in her.
"How
can I leave you?"
"You know you must. You know you cannot remain here...and I
cannot follow. We have different paths to travel--I pray they may
converge again some day."
"You have taught me...so much...so many
things...I owe you--everything.
I can never repay this debt..."
"You
will...some day."
"Anything. I would do anything. I swear it." She clasped
the woman
tightly to her breast which ached with the pain of parting, her
throat throbbed with it, strangled her emotional words of farewell. "I
will never forget you. You and you alone are the most remarkable
woman."
"You'll find out, Xena. I spoke the truth about you."
Now, as she stood on the ship's deck, watched the lone figure of beloved
Gabrielle recede
farther and farther from her, all of this, unspoken
between them, cascaded
through her mind in inner turmoil. Memories she'd
set aside for her own peace
of mind flooded through every fiber of her
being, making the images and
emotions evoked just as fresh and vivid as
yesterday. Was it just yesterday?
...She'd rolled over in her sleep to
place a protective arm around her
companion and, surprisingly for once,
heart-stoppingly for the moment had
found her gone. Had she been taking
Gabrielle's love and loyalty for
granted?
And now they had parted for the first, and most extended time in a
very long while. She hadn't told Gabrielle everything, figured she'd
probably rather not know. But the young woman was so intuitive. Part
of Xena longed for her on this voyage...but was a little hidden part of
her, of her very heart...secretly glad Gabrielle had not accompanied
her? She didn't
merely flatter herself to think that Gabrielle would be
jealous...and wasn't
she, Xena, hoping, too, to be alone in seeing her
former lover...without
Gabrielle there to make her feel guilty about it?
Was there enough love
inside her to encompass what she felt for both of
these women? There must be.
But could she do whatever she was about to
do and still hope to see the warm
welcoming love in Gabrielle's
worshipful eyes? What would I ever do without
her? My angel...my
better half. To risk losing her like this...and what we
have together..
Her heart was tearing.
Gabrielle's words about hurting
inside came back to haunt her. They
should be together. Especially now. After
the literal hell that fine
young woman had been through...I should've been
there for her, to protect her. It never should've happened. She is my
privileged responsibility.... forever...because I, and I alone, breathed
her precious life back into her...just as... just as... Her thoughts
turned again eastward. And she shivered with anticipation.
"And
did you say that she was pretty?
And did you say that she loves you?
Baby,
I don't want to know...
Time casts its spell on you, but
You won't forget
me
I know I could have loved you, but
You would not let me
I'll follow
you down till the sound
of my voice will haunt you
You'll never get away
from the
sound of the woman that loves you..."
--Stevie NIcks
==================
Unbound
"Kings have given up their crowns for love
Love like
this
And warriors have laid weapons down
for love
Love like this"
Kennedy/Rose
Athena's totem
ticked his feathered head from side to side. The
owl's-eye view looked down
from a starry sky to a campfire where two
figures are seated. A young blonde
woman speaks. "The story I'm about to
tell you is true. Though you may find
it hard to believe, I swear it
happened--just as I relate it to you." She
gave grave incantatory tones
to her words as if painting the picture thus
would make it vividly
apparent to her companion.
In the midst of a
downpour, a pelting hard rain, shimmering, shivering
in its intensity,
becomes suddenly green-tinged and soon to be raining
frogs and salamanders.
It is day--barely. Xena and Gabrielle are walking
across a meadow. Gabrielle
looks especially miserable.
"Look, there's a nice big oak over there, why
don't we take cover--" a
very loud clap of thunder almost directly overhead
as a particularly
wicked jagged bolt of lightning neatly snaps several very
large branches
of the same tree.
"That's why," Xena admonsished with a
wicked grin. "You should know
better than that."
"Sorry. But I'm so
frazzled, I was willing to take the risk."
Xena's tone became deadly serious,
"Not with my life--and especially not
with your own...as long as I have
anything to say about it."
"Luckily you do--ever count up the times I'd be
swimming the Styx if not
for you?"
Xena's mouth quirked in a half-smile.
"I try not to keep track."
"Yeah. I guess it'd fill up a good-sized
scroll...a couple of scrolls.
In fact it already has." A small frog lands in
her hair. "They're
everywhere."
"Must be coming out of the
ground."
Gabrielle points to a cloud with a greenish cast.
"And what does
that mean, O my wise bard?"
"Haven't a clue. Though as omens go--I wouldn't
think it's very
positive." More thunder--no, not thunder, hoofbeats, many,
and coming
closer. They are trapped out in the open, nowhere to run. "Hope
they're
friendly."
"Regardless of how far putting faith in omens goes, I
wouldn't count on
it." A barbarous horde, ten or so, somewhat reminiscent of
samurai, well
armored cut-throats. They ride around the women in an
ever-tightening
circle. Gabrielle and Xena back to back with staff raised and
sword
drawn, ready to fight.
"If you can't keep to your record this time,
I'll understand," Gabrielle
said.
"What?"
"Another addition to that
special scroll we were talking about." They
begin deflecting blows aimed at
them from horseback. "You'll begin a
brand new page tomorrow. And that you
'can' count upon." Xena spoke with
hopefully infectious bravado but her eyes
betray uncertainty. It's not
looking good, though Gabrielle has managed to
unseat one of the horsemen
with her staff.
"Will you do something for
me?"Gabrielle requested in a surprisingly
calm tone considering their current
activity.
"When I get the chance."
"You could easily vault out of here.
Right over their heads. Do it."
"Think I'll stick around. I'm not going
anywhere without you."
"Thought you'd say that." Gabrielle lowers her guard,
then very
deliberately lays down her staff.
"What are you doing?!"
"If you don't have to worry about me maybe you'll think about yourself
first for a change." A lancer thrusts at Gabrielle with his spear, but
Xena wheels
around just in time to sever the weapon neatly in two. She
attempts to do the
same on other fronts, but it becomes increasingly
untenable until another
thunderclap directly overhead startles and
spooks the horses. It is followed
by a blinding flash. The horses are
breaking ranks and scattering, several
riders are thrown. The odds
become a bit less bleak. The men attempt to
regroup, but their mounts
are extremely uncooperative, many bolting away
entirely. Xena is busy
with two warriors, dispatches them in time to turn and
see Gabrielle on
her knees before a hulking attacker with sword upraised and
about to
initiate a short arc to the young woman's head. Xena reaches for
her chakram, but it's become dislodged and is lying in the mud.
Xena screams. "Gabrielle!" Knowing, this time, she won't be in time to
save her friend. But a bolt of electric blue lightning strikes the
raised sword and the big warrior is flung violently back in a smoking heap.
The remaining bad guys seem to take stock of Xena's demeanor and back
slowly away until they're in full retreat. Gabrielle bows her head in
relief, shoulders slumped. Xena, still high on adrenaline from both fear
and rage, retrieves her chakram and Gabrielle's staff which is lying
near it. She strides over to Gabrielle, still on her knees, and throws
the staff into her hands, speaking angrily.
"NEVER do anything like that
again." The rain had slowed steadily and
has now stopped and a golden
radiance supplants the dark clouds. The sun
has come out. Gabrielle struggles
to her feet and Xena turns to look
behind them for the first time to the
direction in which their attackers
were facing before they turned and fled. A
lone figure is there, a
rainbow riding the sky behind. Xena stares. There
seems something
familiar.
"What do the Romans call it?" Xena
asks.
"Deus ex machina."
"That's it. Don't see any wires."
"Who do you
suppose..."
"No one owes us any favors. Do they?" Xena asked, quirking an
eyebrow.
"What are you looking at me for?" Gabrielle blushed in spite of
herself.
The figure is clothed head to toe in dark, flowing material.
Xena becomes increasingly mesmerized by something about the stranger.
She moves closer. "It's not possible. I'd give anything...anything.
Lao-Ma," she whispers disbelievingly, hopefully, fervently. The woman walks
to her now through a rising mist. Gabrielle thinks she heard what
Xena said. The full import hits her gradually as she watches her friend
fall to her knees in wonder.
"It's impossible. Isn't it?" Xena's voice was
hushed with wonder and
emotion.
"Nothing is. You should know that by
now."
"They told me you were dead. Are you real?"
The silk clad Asian
woman shimmers in the dawn like a dream...perhaps
she was. As if in order to
counter that disbelief she reaches a hand
toward the kneeling warrior and
says, "Touch me. See for yourself." Xena
holds out her arms like a child
wanting to believe and Lao-Ma's hands
are grasped and then the woman is
pulled into her embrace. Gabrielle's
face is a shattered mask of warring
emotions; awe, disbelief, grudging
happiness for her friend, suspicion, fear
and other emotions of which
she is not proud nor able to master, but which
fill her with the dread
of uncertainty. Torn.
"I thought you must be some
benevolent goddess," the warrior princess
proclaims, "And I was right. So you
are." Xena is standing, facing
Gabrielle now as she spins happily with Lao-Ma
in her arms. Gabrielle
has never seen her friend so ecstatic, face glowing
with pure happiness
and fulfillment. Gabrielle has to avert her gaze, take a
deep breath.
"Just a woman. Like you," Lao-Ma says fondly and smiles.
"So
much more. My heart was desolate. The world was at an end. As long
as I knew
you were alive...somewhere, my life had meaning...I wasn't
alone."
"You're
forgetting someone."
Now Xena's face takes on the cast of conflicting
emotions as she finally
sees Gabrielle again. They just stare at each other
for a long moment,
reading volumes in each other's eyes. All of their past,
their history.
Gabrielle looks as though she's not going to be able to face
it. Again.
Turns half away.
"Gabrielle. There's someone I want you to
meet."
Still wobbly from her near-death experience, and now this, she
wavers and begins to faint. Xena catches her before she hits the
ground.
Through her mind run hypnogogic images--a Chinese painting of a
green dragon, role reversal, she kneels before Xena who slaps her. It's as
if she's underwater trying to resurface, muffled voices, blurry
vision.
Xena is lightly slapping her to waken her, holding her with
concern tempered with pique.
Gabrielle wakes and sputters out, "Sorry.
Again. I'm always apologizing.
Have a lot to apologize for. I guess I'm
just--"
"Stop it," Xena commands. "You're blubbering."
"Sorry."
Xena clenches her jaw. Removes her support and lets Gabrielle's head
fall back on the ground. It hurts. Lao-Ma looks on now with disapproval
as Xena stands and
moves a short distance away.
"It's all right," Gabrielle sighs as she sits up
and clasps her knees.
"I deserve that. I've disappointed her far more and
much more often than
she's ever let me down--hmmm--was that a bad
pun?"
Lao-Ma extends her hand, helps Gabrielle to rise. "I am--"
"I know
who you are. Though not until comparatively recently. All things
considered.
I feel as though I know you. I've read your...book, the
aphorisms. Beautiful
and very wise."
"Then it has survived."
"As have you apparently."
They
both view Xena's back.
"She can be a bit diffident. At times" Lao- Ma
notes.
"Only a bit? There's not much you can tell me I don't already
know."
"Do we need to toss a coin?" Gabrielle looks completely taken aback
and
speechless, for once. "Or are we going to leave her standing
there?"
"Oh. Well...I guess...I'll just...ask her. OK? Be right back." She
goes
to her friend. "Uh, Xena. I--"
"If you're going to apologize again I
swear I will--"
"Cut my tongue out? I dare you. No, I didn't think so. Made
you smile. I
may be a little talkative, among other things, but, admit it,
you'd miss
it."
"I admit or deny nothing. Would you do me a favor. Just
relax and be
yourself."
"I'll try my best."
"All I ask. The most important
person in my life is--"
"Look, I know I'm not the first--"
"You didn't let
me finish. And since you can finish my sentences for me
why don't you just
guess what I was going to say." She returns to Lao-Ma
and says wonderingly,
"I still can't believe you're here. You invade my
dreams. (This is news to
Gabrielle.) We have long,
luxurious...conversations. Just like we did then. I
felt sometimes as if
you were really there with me, within me, visiting my
dreams."
"You were never far from me. And astral travel is not unknown.
Even
among all the stars in the sky I could find you."
A starry sky.
Gabrielle is curled up, lying on her side, listening to
Lao-Ma and Xena
speaking softly. At times they whisper, murmur, or a
light breeze carries
their words away. She tries to fight sleep, but
she's too weary. Certain
charged words make it through to her. 'Always,'
'Never,' 'live,' 'die,'
'Hope.' Predictably Gabrielle will dream of her
daughter.
"Mother dearest.
You really are the most transparent woman. More a
child, really, than I was
ever allowed to be. Impulsive, compulsive,
filled with ruling fears,
destined, it seems, to hurt those you claim to
love. When all you want is to
be patted and reassured like a little
girl. Too wanting. Too needy. How long
before she's had enough? Why it's
clear to see who she really loves. Even a
child can see it."
"Shut up." Gabrielle awakes.
"Sorry. We keeping you
awake?" Xena asks.
"Please. I mean no. But I'll just move a little further
over there.
Don't want to disturb 'you.'" Gabrielle picks up her bedding and
moves.
"Going to be cold that far from the fire."
Later.
Gabrielle is shivering. Someone places another cover over
her.
Morning. Gabrielle is sneezing and sniffling. Catches Xena's
look,
disapprobation. "I know, I know you told me so. Thanks. To whoever
gave
me their blanket. But--didn't you get cold?"
Xena and Lao-Ma
exchange smiles. "No. Didn't need it," Xena drawls.
"Here," Lao-Ma offers,
"Drink this. You'll feel better."
Gabrielle sips the herb tea. "Thank you. I
usually don't need this much
looking after." Xena makes a rather derisive
sound, akin to a laugh.
Gabrielle's face reddens.
Later, Lao-Ma
is sitting apart, seemingly in meditation. Xena motions
for Gabrielle to
follow her.
The bard attempts to counter whatever heart-to-heart Xena is
about to
lay on her by jumping, heart first, into the conversation. "Why
don't I
go find Joxer or 'someone else' who'll be glad to see me? And leave
the
two of you alone to...sort things out. A chariot only needs two
wheels,
not three."
"Not an option." Xena says, looking down at the
ground.
"Why? Because you've taken on the responsibility of my care?
Since,
apparently, you think I can't handle myself."
"Didn't say
that."
"You...implied."
Xena sighs sadly, "You'll always be your own worst
enemy."
"I know. So, before I cause any more damage, maybe I should quit
while
I'm not so far behind."
"What's that mean?" Xena asks
sharply.
"Whatever you want it to."
Xena appears disappointed in her
friend's response, speaks softly, but
firmly. "Take responsibility for your
own feelings." Xena still won't
meet her eyes. "Don't try to shift the blame.
Deal with it."
"Thought I had."
"So did I. But...things change."
"Maybe
I'm afraid," Gabrielle admitted, bitting her lip. My emotions can
get out of
control. I get in too deep, way over my head and someone gets
hurt, usually
someone I care about. Don't you see? Don't you know what's
happening to us?
We've traded places. You become more and more someone I
am so proud to call
my friend while I who wanted so to be just like you
become less able to live
with myself."
"So, is it your destiny to save me--and lose yourself? I won't
allow that. I also won't allow you to make the grand gesture of
sacrificing yourself. To prove something to me. That's getting carried away
with your emotions too. And it's just as foolish. And destructive. To me.
You want to hurt me, hurt yourself. Remember that. Now be a good girl
and count to one hundred before you come back. OK?"
Gabrielle mutters to
herself, "Act like a kid, get treated like one."
Camp. Gabrielle returns.
Xena is nowhere in sight. Lao-Ma is standing,
arms outstretched, facing the
sun, still rising, beaming just above her
head. Gabrielle clears her throat,
Lao-Ma turns. "Where's Xena?" the
bard asks.
"Scouting ahead."
"She
doesn't need to do that. She knows the lay of the land."
"Perhaps she wasn't
thinking of her own needs. You've taught her well."
The silk-voiced foreign
woman smiles at her.
"I have? You were her teacher."
"I gave her the
process. She had to learn to live it. You taught her by
example."
"Did she
tell you everything?"
"I might ask you the same question," Lao-Ma says
mysteriously, still
smiling.
Gabrielle sighs. "I haven't been a very good
example for a long time. It
was my innocence she loved and that's gone for
good."
"Innocence by its very nature cannot last forever. You have the look
of someone who's been through the fire. It tempers you. Like metal.
Makes you stronger."
"It almost destroyed us."
"Almost. Here you
are."
"Here we are. Last thing I expected."
"I am not your rival,
Gabrielle. Nor do I wish to be."
"That puts the onus on me."
"You initiate
neither happiness nor disaster."
"Victims of Fate. Is that all we
are?"
"The universe is chaos created from nothing. A subtle fire in
the
crucible. What some may call the elixir of life. The yin,
the yang...each containing an element, a seed of the other. Ch'i.
Currents
running underground, underneath...everything. Vitalizing the
Dragon's
veins. The moon and the earth, a union of opposites, dark and
light.
Under the full moon will you find deliverance from guilt, will
you
become one with the primary forces of the universe. Being is
nothingness
and nothingness being. If you understand this you control both
your
spirits and your demons. Reality is emptiness, emptiness reality. If
you
understand this you can see the stars even at dawn. Become one,
unite
with the all and you can walk through fire unharmed. All this can
you
do. But it is better still not to do it just because you can. You
made
hard choices."
"Wrong choices."
"Your choices."
"You giving me
a crash course in philosophy? I'll never learn. I'll
always get it
wrong."
"You fear losing her...and losing yourself--with or without her. Face
up
to it. Then let it go. I waited...all my life for her arrival. And
had to see her go far too soon. It was not her destiny to stay with
me."
"And why are you here now?"
"I hadn't planned on it."
"Just in the
neighborhood and thought you'd drop in?"
"Something like that, I
think."
"You don't know?"
"Not really, no. I woke with the sun this
morning and knew she was near.
My mind's foggy on the details. Still, I do
not wish to question such
beneficence."
"I hope that's what it is"
"You
are skeptical of my veracity?" Lao-Ma raises an eyebrow.
"Not necessarily.
But don't you think this is too providential to have
happened by
accident?"
"These things do happen."
"Which things exactly?" Gabrielle
asks.
"Meaningful coincidences."
"Isn't that a contradiction in
terms?"
"Do you believe everything happens for a reason?" Lao-Ma inclines
her
head.
"Yes, yes, I do. And thank you. Thank you for teaching my
friend, for
showing her 'the way.' It saved her life when I
couldn't."
Campfire. The owl hoots and flies off. Callisto
listening to Hope's
tale. "Oh, come on. You've lost control of your
narrative. But totally.
I didn't expect a fairy tale. I thought you wanted to
punish your mommy.
Not this lovefest." Callisto rises and stomps about for
emphasis.
"You're right, I'm afraid. They're writing their own lines. I
thought
I'd exercise more control than that."
"The eastern woman is
obviously more powerful than you thought."
"Perhaps. At a distance. But we'll
just concentrate our efforts
elsewhere."
Xena, apparently
stalking a wild boar. "Oh, that's it. Beautiful."
Head down, snuffling. Looks
about to attack. Instead Xena woops and
scares him off, picks something off
the ground. A truffle. "Good eatin'
tonight." She breathes in the earthy
aroma. "Now for the main course."
"In this case, that would be you." It's
Ares. He's back.
"What's wrong with this picture? A threesome for dinner. The
math never
works out."
"Never did pay you back for what you tried to do to
us. But it didn't
work, did it? And what was your function in all of that
anyway? Other
than tempter; what did you get out of it?"
"Fun to
watch."
"Just as I always thought. The gods are nothing but an arrogant bunch
of jaded emotionally crippled adolescent peeping toms. Pathetic
bullies.
They strip your wings and kill for sport."
"Just as you once
did." He reminds her.
"Yeah, but I grew up. What's your excuse?"
"Don't
need one. That's why I'm the god and you're the--"
"What? Servant, slave of
fate, mere mortal? That's what you want us to
believe. I control my own
destiny. No one else."
"Don't be so cocksure. Trust someone and they turn on
you every time."
"This the approach you used on Gabrielle? Make her doubt
herself."
"You too grown up for that?"
"Her one mistake was in trusting
you."
"Hey she solicited me. Did exactly what she wanted to. I was a means
to an end. That's all."
"Her heart is pure. She was confused and angry.
She didn't know what she
was doing."
Ares spins. "She knew exactly what
she was doing. How can you forgive
that, make excuses for her? Does she
appreciate the way you treat her?
Like a child? An innocent little virgin.
She hasn't been that for some
time. Surely, you noticed. She's picked up all
your worst habits and
added some fresh little twists all her own. At least
you're not bored.
Yet."
"Only with you. Get lost."
But he's had the
inevitable effect. She's frowning with worry. She
flings her chakram in anger
and fells a sizable tree.
Callisto paces around the fire. "You know
what would be fun...the old
conundrum."
"Yes, I have thought of that. Have to
get the logistics just
right though."
"Riddle me this says the sphinx: if
you can save only the 'one' you
love--which one will it be?"
"Any
suggestions?"
"Cut to the chase."
Gabrielle and Lao-Ma are
sitting facing, eyes closed, fingers of their
right hands intertwined. "Can
you see her yet?" Gabrielle is startled.
"Oh my. Fiercely stunning. As
always. She would've scared me if I'd
known her then. You...took one
look--and knew."
"And didn't' you?"
A high-pitched wailing sound assaults
their ears. A gigantic shadow
followed by its creature lights beside them and
curls its serpentine
tail around to enclose and entrap them. It is equal
parts Gorgon,
Chimera, Griffin, whathaveyou. A green dragon perhaps. A
nightmare.
Three-headed and thoroughly grotesque. Two of the heads snap at
the women as they try to back away but the circle closes and
constricts.
They hear Xena's yell as she vaults through the air and lands in
the middle of this facing the center head with sword drawn.
It speaks.
"Strike carefully, warrior. Three heads are quicker than one.
I haven't
decided yet. This one. Or that. They both look very tasty.
Any
suggestions?"
"Try it and you'll lose this head for sure."
"An
annoying but minor tribulation. It'll grow back. And I'll be off
with my
belly full before you can make your second strike. Do you a
favor. Just
'cause I'm basically a nice guy. You decide. The exotic
flesh of this chinese
gourmet treat--though I may be hungry again far
too soon--or this delectable
little morsel, barely a mouthful, but
delicious nonetheless, I'm sure. So you
can see my dilemma. Why, it's
somewhat akin to your own. Which shall it
be?"
"Xena--"
"No, Gabrielle, I told you--never again."
"Shall I decide
for you then?" the monster asks.
Xena raises an eyebrow. "Why not both? Why
must it be one or the other?
You're a big mother. Three heads, one relatively
scrawny neck. You can't
chew more than you can bite off and
swallow."
"Warrior, I'm tired of th--"
Xena strikes like an adder, her
sword pins the creature's long snaky
tongue to the ground. It screams in rage
and pain, then one head makes a
grab for Gabrielle. But Xena leaps into the
beast's mouth as she is
pulling her sword out of its tongue. The mouth snaps
shut on her and the
creature uncoils, flailing, allows Gabrielle and Lao-Ma
to escape into
the open and watch in horror-filled fascination as the thing
thrashes
about, violently shaking the terrain. After an interminable moment
it subsides then lies still except for a pulsing movement in its
side.
Xena's blade appears, cutting through the flesh as she
extricates
herself form inside the belly of the beast. She's a mess, but
beautiful
to behold. As always.
A body of water. Xena is taking
a leisurely bathe as Gabrielle and
Lao-Ma sit companionably on the bank
watching her. "Things just seem to
happen when she's around, don't they?"
Gabrielle muses.
"You'll never lead a dull existence," Lao-Ma
agrees.
"Tell me about it."
Callisto yells, "No! you're just not
getting the hang of it."
"You could do better?"
"Honey, just try
me."
"Then do your worst."
"MY worst? Are you
sure?"
Gabrielle is asleep, fitfully, by the campfire. She responds
to weird
music and wakes slowly. Gets up and moves some ways off, into the
trees.
"Who is it this time? And what do you want?"
"Oh just little old
me." Callisto appears behind her. "Thought I'd drop
in to see how it's going.
Amazes me you haven't managed to get each
other killed yet--I mean once and
for all. Well...go ahead and ask."
"What?"
"You know you want to. All
right. How's your 'little girl'?"
Gabrielle doesn't budge. "Stubborn, aren't
you? You pride yourself on
it. Not a very attractive
trait."
"So?"
Callisto teases, "What?"
"How is she?"
"Hope?
Oh, same as always, I suppose. Resemblance more than skin deep,
I
think."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"I don't pretend to know why,
but she will trouble herself in persisting
to wonder about you. Oh, you can't
hide it can you? I see I have your
attention."
"What do either of you hope
(she cringes) to gain?"
"I suppose she might well assume that if Xena were
out of the way then
the two of you might overcome the obstacle to getting
better
acquainted."
"You tell her if she ever harms my friend in any way I
will never rest
in this life or the next until I see her punished for it
'Once and for
all.'"
"Yes, yes. Don't be tiresome. We all know just how
much you'd give for
her. I was so amused and delighted to witness it with my
own eyes. How
did it feel? So selfishly selfless. To fall away from her
forever--or so
you thought. Finally the hero of the piece. What were your
last thoughts
as you met her eyes for the final time?"
Gabrielle responds
as if she's in pain, crossing her arms against it.
"It kills you, doesn't it?
Never to have felt that for anyone--not even
yourself."
Callisto responds
with vehemence. "What good does it do you?! Tears you
up inside. Forces you
to betray the very one you claim to love so well."
"She's forgiven
me!"
"But have you forgiven yourself? Can you ever? You faced the
wickedness
inside you, but didn't destroy it. Isn't Hope the living
embodiment of
that? Isn't that why she looks exactly like you?"
Gabrielle
hurls herself at Callisto who pops out and appears behind her.
"Get a grip,
girl. Not on your best day. You made a deal with Ares, why
not make one with
me? Think about it. It's that or live with the thorns
embedded in your
heart."
Gabrielle comes back to camp, kneels by Xena, gently smooths her
dark
hair, sits back on her heels and ponders deeply, sorrowfully.
Then
begins to cry softly. Lao-Ma is awake, she raises on an elbow
and
beckons Gabrielle to come to her. "Risk it all. You have to be
willing
to let go."
"Like you did."
"Yes. It will twist round like the
dragon chasing his own tail and come
back to you."
"What will?"
"What
you wish. Destiny... Love. You can't wrestle with it outright.
Bend with the
river. Give in to the inexorable flow."
"Like falling."
"Falling. Giving
up everything. 'For' everything. Willing with all your
heart to make that
supreme sacrifice."
"The letting go. Of her."
"And of yourself."
"And
what will she do then?"
"What do you suppose? Leap into the fire after
you?"
"Fire." Gabrielle becomes mesmerized staring at the flames. "I...I
did
I..."
"Yes?"
"That's why you're here. This isn't real.
I'm..."
"Don't pronounce yourself defeated. Not yet. I don't have all
the
answers, Gabrielle. No human being ever could. There's a stopping
place
between the worlds. Not quite here, nor there. Perhaps it only lasts
for
the duration of the fall into darkness. A moment. No more.
Perhaps...an
eternity. And we're thrown together here to relive it...to
torture
ourselves...or come to a conclusion. What shall it
be?"
"Last night I thought I found
you
I saw it in a dream...
The more I tried to reach you
The more you
slipped away
And when I woke up in the darkness
I was calling out your
name
You and I we dance around it
Why is the truth so hard to say?
We
long for true love where we found it
Just one belief away."
--Bonnie
Raitt
more than friends
the fantasy carries
us
along this spectral river
the prow of your vessel
strokes the ocean
deep
furrows the wanton waves
tides us over
billowing bounding
cresting
falling dying rising again
we sail
on and
on
forever
--The Bard